Changing the "V" in V-day
It’s February!
Which means there’s something that’s on nearly everyone’s mind- you guessed it! Valentines Day! It’s been the most important day for love for as long as I can remember, and if you’re in a happy relationship, this may be super exciting. Bring on the romance! But what about celebrating Valentine’s Day when you’re in an unhappy relationship? How are you supposed to feel all warm and fuzzy and full of love when you feel like you can hardly even talk to your partner? I could imagine it may be a pretty bleak prospect. When it feels like things are in a rough patch, communication can be one of the first signs of a problem, and there are two aspects in communication that can be particularly challenging when you’re not in a good place— and here’s where our Vs come in! Vulnerability and Validation.
Vulnerability is the state of being open to harm; when we’re talking in terms of communication, it’s emotional vulnerability that’s on the line- and that’s so important! It’s the act of showing our true, deepest selves to our partners, and trusting that even though we’re open, they won’t harm us. It’s sharing those deep-down fears and feelings that are contributing to our actions, and that help others truly understand and accept us. For many, I’m sure this sounds absolutely terrifying. How can you trust your partner not to hurt you, especially if they have so many times before? The key word here is trust- there really is no way to know someone won’t hurt you, you just have to trust that they won’t. And this may be a process that takes a lot of building, and many times the help of a therapist may be necessary. But one thing that can help begin to build trust, is our other “V”— Validation.
Validating what our partners are sharing with us, when they’re displaying vulnerability does a lot to build safety and trust. It says- “I see what you’re saying, and (given the circumstances/ your experiences/ what you’ve shared with me in the past) that makes a lot of sense.” Just that simple phrase, “that makes a lot of sense,” in place of, say- “I have no idea what you’re even talking about!” Or maybe, “if you feel that way, you’re crazy” can do so much! When we take vulnerability and validation together, both offering them to, and accepting them from our partners, it may be enough to begin to let the walls down and open the door for more honest, effective communication, more love and ultimately a closer, safer bond.
So if your V-day is in jeopardy because your communication is off, try employing the new Vs of vulnerability and validation, and see what it can do for your relationship.
Whitney Turner, MFT