Supporting Your Partner Through Holiday Grief - Part Two

Navigating the holiday season can be especially challenging when your partner is grieving. In Part Two of Supporting Your Partner Through Holiday Grief, we’ll provide additional tips into practical ways to offer comfort, create space for their emotions, and maintain connection during this emotionally complex time. Whether it's honoring traditions, adjusting expectations, or simply being present, your support can make a meaningful difference.

Foster Emotional Connection by Sharing Support

While grief can create a distance between people, it’s important to remember that it can also be a time to foster a deeper emotional connection. We emphasize that couples are emotionally connected through their responses to each other’s needs. During times of grief, this connection can become even more important.

When your partner is grieving, be proactive in offering emotional support. This can be as simple as offering a warm touch, creating a quiet space for them to process their emotions, or checking in regularly to see how they’re doing. In some cases, you may need to initiate conversations to create emotional closeness and safety.

You can also gently offer emotional intimacy by sharing your own feelings in response to their grief. Expressing vulnerability can strengthen the emotional bond and help your partner feel understood.

For example:

- "I’ve noticed how much pain you’re in, and it hurts me to see you like this. I wish I could take it away, but I’m here with you, every step of the way."

- "I feel a little lost too, and I know this is a hard time for both of us. But I’m grateful for the time we’re spending together, even if it’s difficult."

- "I want to make this easier for you. I’m here to help with anything you need, whether that’s talking or simply sitting together."

Sharing your own feelings can show your partner that you are emotionally available and engaged in the process of grieving together, rather than apart. This mutual emotional exchange strengthens the attachment and allows both partners to feel supported.

Allow for Flexibility and Patience

Grief is unpredictable, and it can change from day to day or even moment to moment. During the holidays, your partner’s emotional needs might shift unexpectedly, and it’s important to remain flexible and patient with them as they process their emotions.

There’s an importance of attachment flexibility—being willing to adjust to each other’s needs in ways that foster a deeper, more secure connection. This means allowing your partner to have good days and bad days, without placing expectations on how they should be feeling or how they should be grieving. Let them move through the process at their own pace.

You might say:

- "I understand that today might be a harder day. We can take things one step at a time, and we don’t have to do everything."

- "If you want to skip certain activities this year, that’s okay. We can create new traditions, or just take it slow."

Supporting your partner’s grief with patience and flexibility allows them to feel that they are in control of their emotional experience. It also builds trust that you won’t push them to “move on” or “get over it” prematurely.

Encourage Professional Support If Needed

Sometimes, grief can feel overwhelming, and the support of a loved one, while invaluable, may not be enough. If your partner’s grief is interfering with their ability to function or if they’re struggling to manage their emotions, it might be helpful to encourage them to seek professional support, such as therapy. Grief often triggers deep emotional wounds, and a therapist can provide tools and strategies to help your partner process those emotions in a safe environment.

You might say:

- "I can see how much this is affecting you. It might help to talk to someone who can support you through this grief. Would you be open to that?"

- "If you ever feel like talking to someone outside of our relationship would help, I’ll support you in that decision."

Offering the suggestion of therapy shows your partner that you care about their emotional well-being and that seeking help is a courageous and supportive step.

Helping a partner through holiday grief requires deep emotional attunement, patience, and compassion. By creating a safe emotional space, validating their feelings, and fostering emotional connection, you can provide the support they need during this difficult time. The holidays may never be the same for your partner, but with your love, presence, and understanding, you can walk through this grieving process together, strengthening your emotional bond.

Rochelle Marecheau, LMFT

Supporting Your Partner Through Holiday Grief - Part One

The holiday season is often synonymous with joy, connection, and celebration. For many, it’s a time to share warmth and make lasting memories with loved ones. However, for someone grieving—whether due to the loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or any other significant loss—the holidays can be a painful reminder of what’s missing. The emotional weight of grief can feel especially heavy during this time, and as a partner, you may feel unsure about how to help, what to say, or how to be supportive without overwhelming them further.

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we understand that emotions are central to how people connect, heal, and grow. Grief is an emotional experience that can deeply impact relationships, especially romantic ones. The key to helping your partner through holiday grief is to be present with them emotionally, to understand their emotional needs, and to create a safe, compassionate space where they can experience and process their feelings.

Create a Safe Emotional Space for Vulnerability

Grief often brings up raw, vulnerable emotions. It’s not uncommon for someone who is grieving to experience a wide range of feelings: sadness, anger, fear, guilt, or even numbness. During the holidays, these emotions can become more intense. For someone who is mourning, there can be a deep longing for what has been lost, and that longing might be difficult to express.

As a partner, one of the most important things you can do is create a **safe emotional space** for your loved one. This means being present and available for your partner’s emotions without judgment, criticism, or trying to “fix” their pain. It’s about allowing them to feel whatever they’re feeling and assuring them that it’s okay to be vulnerable with you.

You might say:

- "I can see how much this hurts, and I want you to know that I’m here with you, no matter what you’re feeling."

- "If you need to cry or just sit in silence, I’m right here. You don’t have to hold anything back."

- "I can’t take your pain away, but I’m here to share it with you."

Emotional responsiveness is key—being attuned to your partner’s emotions and responding with care and empathy. When you respond in ways that honor and validate their grief, it fosters emotional safety and deepens the bond between you.

Tune In to Their Emotional Needs

Grief is an intensely emotional experience, and everyone processes it in their own way. Some people may want to talk about their loss and share memories, while others may retreat inwardly and need space. It’s important to tune into your partner’s emotional needs, both in the moment and over time.

We talk about the importance of emotional attunement—being in tune with your partner’s emotional states and needs. This means not only recognizing when they are struggling but also understanding how they may want to be supported. Sometimes, grief doesn’t look like sadness. It can show up as irritability, withdrawal, or even a desire to avoid certain holiday activities. Understanding that your partner’s grief may take many forms will help you respond in ways that feel helpful rather than overwhelming.

You might ask:

- "I know this time of year is tough. Do you want to talk about it, or would you prefer some quiet time together?"

- "I’m noticing that you seem a little overwhelmed. How can I help make this easier for you right now?"

- "Would you like to share some memories of [loved one], or would it feel better to take a break from the holiday talk?"

By engaging in emotionally focused listening, where you listen deeply to not just the words but the feelings behind them, you create a space where your partner’s emotional needs are met without the need for them to express everything explicitly. This builds emotional trust and connection.

Validate Their Grief and Emotions

Grief can be an isolating experience. When someone is grieving, they may feel misunderstood, or they may be unsure if their feelings are “acceptable” or “appropriate” during the holidays. As a partner, one of the most important things you can do is validate their emotions. This means acknowledging their pain without judgment or trying to minimize it.

Validation is a core element of emotional support. Validation doesn’t mean agreeing with everything your partner says, but it does mean showing that you understand their emotional experience and that their feelings are normal and justified. Validation helps your partner feel seen and heard in a way that encourages emotional expression and healing.

You can validate their grief by saying:

- "It makes sense that you’re feeling so sad. The holidays have always been a time to share memories, and this year is different."

- "I can only imagine how much you miss [name]. It’s okay to feel this way, and it’s okay if it takes time to heal."

- "I see how hard this is for you. I’m not going to rush you through it, and I’m here as long as you need me."

Validation fosters emotional closeness. When you validate your partner’s grief, you are letting them know that their feelings are part of their shared human experience and that they’re not alone.

Check back later this week for more tips for supporting your partner through holiday grief!

Rochelle Marecheau, LMFT

Navigating Seasonal Depression: Embracing the Changes

Seasonal Depression - Part II

As the days grow shorter and the chill of winter settles in, many people find themselves grappling with the weight of seasonal depression. If you’re feeling a little more blue than usual, know that you’re not alone. Let’s explore some thoughtful ways to cope and even thrive during this time.

1. Light Up Your Life

One of the biggest challenges during the colder months is the lack of sunlight. Consider investing in a light therapy box or plant grow light bulbs. These devices mimic natural sunlight and can be particularly effective in lifting your mood. Aim for at least 20-30 minutes of exposure each morning.

2. Connect with Nature, Even Indoors

Bring the outside in! Decorating your space with houseplants can brighten your mood and create a soothing environment (it’s one of the reasons we keep live plants in office). If you can, bundle up and take a brisk walk outside, even if it’s just for a few minutes. Nature has a remarkable way of rejuvenating our spirits.

3. Cultivate New Hobbies

Winter is the perfect time to dive into activities you’ve always wanted to try. Whether it’s painting, knitting, or learning a musical instrument, engaging in creative pursuits can distract your mind and spark joy. Consider joining a local class or an online community to share your progress and meet new friends.

 4. Mindful Movement

Incorporate movement into your daily routine, whether it’s yoga, dancing, or simple stretching. Physical activity releases endorphins, which can help combat feelings of sadness. Try setting a goal to engage in mindful movement for at least 15 minutes each day. This doesn’t mean you need to become a fitness guru overnight—start small! Maybe do some stretches while you wait for the microwave, or take a brisk walk to the fridge and back. Every little bit counts, especially if you’re carrying snacks.

 5. Nourish Your Body

Comfort food is often a go-to during colder months, but consider balancing indulgence with nutritious meals. Incorporate seasonal produce like squash, root vegetables, and hearty greens. Preparing warm, wholesome meals can be both comforting and uplifting.

6. Reach Out and Share

 Don’t underestimate the power of connection. Whether it’s a phone call, video chat, or an in-person coffee date, talking about your feelings can be incredibly therapeutic. Surround yourself with supportive friends or family who understand what you’re going through.

7. Set Up a Cozy Sanctuary

Create a warm, inviting space in your home where you can unwind. Think soft blankets, warm lighting, and your favorite books or movies. This little sanctuary can become your go-to place to recharge and relax, helping you navigate tougher days.

8. Practice Gratitude

Start a gratitude journal, jotting down a few things you’re thankful for each day. This simple practice can shift your perspective and help you focus on the positives, even when it feels challenging.

9. Laugh, Even If It’s at Yourself

Watch a funny movie, read some memes, or just remember that one time you tried to build a snowman and ended up with a lumpy, sad-looking snow blob. Your past self might be cringing, but future you is laughing—and that’s what matters.

10. Plan for the Future

Take time to plan for the brighter days ahead. Whether it’s scheduling a trip, making plans with friends, or setting goals for the spring, having something to look forward to can be a powerful motivator.

11. Consider Professional Help

Lastly, if seasonal depression feels overwhelming, don’t hesitate to seek professional support. Therapists can provide valuable strategies and coping mechanisms tailored to your needs.

Conclusion

While seasonal depression can be a tough hurdle, remember that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. By embracing the season and actively engaging in self-care, you can find ways to navigate these colder months with resilience and hope. Embrace your journey, and take it one day at a time.

Rochelle Marecheau, LMFT

Understanding Seasonal Depression: Shedding Light on a Common Struggle

Seasonal Depression - Part I

As the leaves change color and daylight dwindles, many people experience a shift in their mood that can sometimes feel overwhelming. This phenomenon, known as seasonal depression or Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), affects millions each year. Let’s delve into what seasonal depression is, its symptoms, potential causes, and effective coping strategies.

What is Seasonal Depression?

Seasonal Affective Disorder is a type of depression that occurs at specific times of the year, typically during the fall and winter months. It’s characterized by recurring episodes of depression that often lift during the spring and summer. While it can affect anyone, it’s more common in areas with long, dark winters.

Symptoms of Seasonal Depression

The symptoms of SAD can vary from person to person but commonly include:

-    Social withdrawal: A tendency to isolate or pull away from social activities is common.

-    Low energy and fatigue: Many people feel unusually tired and lethargic.

-    Mood changes: Feelings of sadness, irritability, or anxiety may be more pronounced.

-    Changes in sleep patterns: This might manifest as oversleeping, difficulty waking up, or even frequent awakening during the night.

-    Changes in appetite: Some may crave carbohydrates and experience weight gain, while others may lose their appetite.

-    Difficulty concentrating: You might find it harder to focus on tasks.

Potential Causes

While the exact cause of seasonal depression isn’t fully understood, several factors may include:

- Reduced sunlight: The decrease in natural light can disrupt your body’s internal clock and affect mood-regulating neurotransmitters like serotonin.

- Circadian rhythm changes: Changes in sleep patterns and daily routines during winter months can lead to feelings of depression.

- Genetic predisposition: A family history of depression may increase the risk of developing SAD.

- Other mental health conditions: Individuals with a history of mood disorders may be more susceptible.

Conclusion

Understanding seasonal depression is the first step in addressing its impact on your life. By recognizing the symptoms and exploring coping strategies, you can take proactive steps toward feeling better. Remember, it’s okay to seek help, and you don’t have to navigate this alone. As the seasons change, know that brighter days are ahead.

Rochelle Marecheau, LMFT

Attachment Injuries

Attachment injuries refer to the emotional and psychological wounds that can occur within relationships, particularly in the context of attachment theory. Attachment theory focuses on the emotional bonds and connections individuals form with their caregivers or significant others. These early attachment experiences shape an individual's emotional and relational patterns throughout their life.

Attachment injuries occur when there is a disruption or negative experience in these important relationships. These injuries can arise from various sources, such as neglect, rejection, inconsistent caregiving, or trauma. They can lead to emotional distress, difficulties in forming healthy relationships, and impact an individual's sense of self-worth and trust in others.
Attachment injuries can be categorized into a few different types:
1. Betrayal: When a caregiver or a significant person breaks trust or fails to provide a sense of safety and security. This could be through emotional or physical neglect, abuse, or other forms of mistreatment.
2. Abandonment: When a person feels abandoned or rejected by a caregiver or a loved one. This can happen through physical separation, emotional unavailability, or any other circumstance that makes the individual feel unsupported.
3. Inconsistent Caregiving: When a caregiver's responses are unpredictable or erratic, it can lead to confusion and insecurity in the individual's attachment system. They may struggle to understand what kind of responses to expect from others.
4. Role Reversal or Parentification: In cases where a child is forced to take on a caregiving role for a parent or is excessively relied upon for emotional support, it can lead to an attachment injury as the child's developmental needs are not being met appropriately.
5. Trauma: Experiencing traumatic events within the context of attachment relationships can lead to attachment injuries. Trauma disrupts the sense of safety and can result in emotional wounds.

Attachment injuries can have significant implications for an individual's mental and emotional well-being. They may lead to difficulties in forming and maintaining healthy relationships, low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and other psychological challenges. However, it's important to note that people have the capacity to heal from attachment injuries through therapy, self-awareness, and forming new, healthier relationships that provide opportunities for healing and growth.
 
Healing from attachment injuries is a complex and individualized process that often requires time, effort, and sometimes professional support. Here are some steps and strategies that can help facilitate healing:
1. Self-Awareness: Recognize and acknowledge the attachment injuries you've experienced. Understanding how these injuries have affected your beliefs, behaviors, and relationships is a crucial first step.
2. Therapy: Seek the support of a trained therapist who specializes in attachment and trauma. Different therapeutic approaches used by CURA therapist are attachment focused to help you navigate the turbulent waters after an attachment injury.
3. Emotional Regulation: Learn healthy ways to manage and regulate your emotions. This might involve mindfulness practices, deep breathing exercises, or grounding techniques that can help you cope with difficult emotions triggered by attachment injuries.
4. Develop Self-Compassion: Cultivate self-compassion and self-kindness. Understand that the wounds you carry are not your fault and treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to a friend.
5. Challenge Negative Beliefs: Work on identifying and challenging any negative beliefs you have about yourself, relationships, and the world. These beliefs often stem from attachment injuries and can perpetuate unhelpful patterns.
6. Boundary Setting: Learn to set healthy boundaries in relationships. This includes recognizing your own needs and limits, and communicating them clearly to others.
7. Build Supportive Relationships: Surround yourself with people who are supportive, understanding, and trustworthy. Building healthy relationships can provide new positive attachment experiences that help in healing.
8. Practice Vulnerability: Gradually practice opening up and sharing your feelings with safe individuals. This can help you build trust and learn that vulnerability doesn't always lead to hurt.
9. Mind-Body Practices: Engage in activities that promote overall well-being, such as regular exercise, yoga, meditation, or other mind-body practices that help regulate the nervous system.
10. Journaling: Write about your thoughts, feelings, and experiences related to attachment injuries. Journaling can provide insights, release emotions, and track your progress over time.
11. Trauma Work: If the attachment injuries are related to traumatic experiences, trauma-focused therapies like Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) can help process and integrate the trauma.
12. Patience: Healing from attachment injuries takes time. Be patient with yourself and acknowledge that progress may come in small steps.

Remember that healing is not a linear process, and setbacks can happen. If you find yourself struggling, don't hesitate to reach out for professional help. A therapist can provide tailored guidance and support based on your unique experiences and needs.

Navigating Difficult Conversations with Care

Navigating Difficult Conversations with Care: Building Stronger Connections

Life is a tapestry woven with a variety of relationships, each requiring delicate care and nurturing. Along this journey, we encounter conversations that are anything but easy—conversations about sensitive topics that have the potential to either deepen our connections or strain them. However, it's crucial to recognize that having hard conversations is an integral part of personal growth and relationship building. In this blog, we'll explore the art of having difficult conversations with care, ensuring that we communicate effectively while preserving the bonds that matter to us.

1. Choose the Right Time and Place
Selecting an appropriate time and setting for a difficult conversation can set the tone for a productive dialogue. Opt for a time when both parties are relatively calm and have the mental space to engage fully. A quiet, private space devoid of distractions can help foster focused and respectful communication.

2. Practice Active Listening
Listening is an underrated skill that can transform the dynamics of a tough conversation. Give the other person your undivided attention, and resist the urge to formulate your response while they're speaking. Active listening communicates empathy and shows that you value their perspective.

3. Empathize and Validate
Before diving into the heart of the matter, acknowledge the other person's feelings and perspective. Express empathy and validate their emotions, even if you don't necessarily agree. This sets the foundation for a more open and compassionate exchange.

4. Use "I" Statements
When discussing your concerns, utilize "I" statements instead of accusatory "you" statements. This shifts the focus from blaming to expressing your feelings and thoughts. For instance, say "I felt hurt when..." instead of "You hurt me when...".

5. Stay Calm and Grounded
Difficult conversations can be emotionally charged, so it's essential to manage your emotions and stay grounded. Take deep breaths, maintain steady eye contact, and adopt a composed posture. This can help prevent the conversation from escalating into an argument.

6. Be Honest and Direct
While gentleness is vital, avoid sugarcoating or evading the core issue. Being honest and direct shows respect for the other person's ability to handle the truth. Be clear about what you want to convey without being unnecessarily harsh.

7. Offer Solutions and Collaborate
Instead of dwelling on the problem, steer the conversation towards finding solutions together. This collaborative approach demonstrates your commitment to improving the situation and preserves the sense of unity in the relationship.

8. Pause and Reflect
If the conversation becomes heated or overwhelming, it's okay to take a break. Let both parties step away, cool off, and then come back to the discussion with a clearer perspective. Use this time to reflect on what's been said and how you can communicate more effectively.

9. End on a Positive Note
As you wrap up the conversation, express gratitude for their willingness to engage in the dialogue. Reiterate your commitment to the relationship and your hope for a positive outcome. Leaving the conversation on a positive note can soften any remaining tension.

Difficult conversations are opportunities for growth, understanding, and ultimately, stronger connections. By approaching these conversations with care, empathy, and effective communication, we can navigate the tricky terrain of sensitive topics while ensuring that our relationships remain intact and flourish. Remember, while these conversations may be challenging, they are also stepping stones toward healthier, more resilient bonds with those who matter most.
 

It’s Valentine’s Day AGAIN?! A Guide to Spicing Up Your Love Life

That’s right people. Valentine’s Day is back, yet again, with all of its splendor. You ever feel like you are running out of ways to show your partner you love them? Well, you’re not alone. Keep reading.

Year after year, as the date approaches, you begin to feel the pressure to “out-do” last year’s festivities. Depending on the dynamics of the relationship, this pressure may be placed on either partner. I can only imagine how difficult it may be to put your “creative caps” on, time and time again, to conjure up something new and exciting for your loved one. Not to mention, there are birthdays, anniversaries, and other holidays that require the same, if not more, time and energy . 

So, the question becomes, “How can I keep V-Day interesting”? The answer is simple. Don’t participate in it. Totally kidding. I know some of you probably read that and felt a sense of relief. In all seriousness, if it’s easier to not celebrate, and you and your partner agree to not do so, by all means, go forth! You can stop reading right here, but for those of you who indulge in all that the holiday has to to offer, I have some tips for you:

• Think Outside the Box (of chocolates). Valentines Day doesn’t always have to be about giving physical gifts. What is your partner passionate about? If they are passionate about helping others, how about go on a date with them to feed the homeless.

• Mutual Benefit. Instead of the pressure being on one person to perform this grand gesture, how can you and your partner come together to make the experience enjoyable for you both?

• Trade Places. If you are typically the partner on the receiving end of all of the Valentine’s Day regalia, how about switch it up this year and spoil your partner?

• Fantasies Fulfilled. What is your partner’s sexual fantasy? Make it come to life.

I hope I have sparked an idea of some sort in your mind about what you would like to do for V-Day. Trust yourself and that you know what your partner likes. Take a deep breath. You got this. Let the planning commence. 

Lyrica Solomon, MFT

Changing the "V" in V-day

It’s February!

Which means there’s something that’s on nearly everyone’s mind- you guessed it! Valentines Day! It’s been the most important day for love for as long as I can remember, and if you’re in a happy relationship, this may be super exciting. Bring on the romance! But what about celebrating Valentine’s Day when you’re in an unhappy relationship? How are you supposed to feel all warm and fuzzy and full of love when you feel like you can hardly even talk to your partner? I could imagine it may be a pretty bleak prospect. When it feels like things are in a rough patch, communication can be one of the first signs of a problem, and there are two aspects in communication that can be particularly challenging when you’re not in a good place— and here’s where our Vs come in! Vulnerability and Validation. 

Vulnerability is the state of being open to harm; when we’re talking in terms of communication, it’s emotional vulnerability that’s on the line- and that’s so important! It’s the act of showing our true, deepest selves to our partners, and trusting that even though we’re open, they won’t harm us. It’s sharing those deep-down fears and feelings that are contributing to our actions, and that help others truly understand and accept us. For many, I’m sure this sounds absolutely terrifying. How can you trust your partner not to hurt you, especially if they have so many times before? The key word here is trust- there really is no way to know someone won’t hurt you, you just have to trust that they won’t. And this may be a process that takes a lot of building, and many times the help of a therapist may be necessary. But one thing that can help begin to build trust, is our other “V”— Validation. 

Validating what our partners are sharing with us, when they’re displaying vulnerability does a lot to build safety and trust. It says- “I see what you’re saying, and (given the circumstances/ your experiences/ what you’ve shared with me in the past) that makes a lot of sense.” Just that simple phrase, “that makes a lot of sense,” in place of, say- “I have no idea what you’re even talking about!” Or maybe, “if you feel that way, you’re crazy” can do so much! When we take vulnerability and validation together, both offering them to, and accepting them from our partners, it may be enough to begin to let the walls down and open the door for more honest, effective communication, more love and ultimately a closer, safer bond. 

So if your V-day is in jeopardy because your communication is off, try employing the new Vs of vulnerability and validation, and see what it can do for your relationship.

Whitney Turner, MFT

Sophisticated Love

To prepare to write this blog for the month of love, I found myself looking for what others are saying about love. There is a slew of bloggers posting “the 10 most important things in relationships;” “how do you know its love factors;” “what love means…from a man’s perspective;” and so many other lists with boxes to check so you can determine if your relationship is the “right” one.  Everyone has a different take on how to get there, but everyone wants to get there. Many portray the love journey like it’s a race fueled by the desire to have children or check boxes on a to do list; the urgency then creates an unfortunate oversight…it’s a journey, not a race.

 The journey for those who take the leap and trust the process is beautiful and long with winding and turning, ups and downs, straight ways and neutral zones during which it seems like very little is happening. The journey-makers enjoy the scenery, express gratitude for the journey and its partners and relish the sweetness of the love.  They tend to keep thrive in the simplicity. As a therapist, I have had a few of these couples on my office.  They are a therapist’s dream client because they already have experienced the blissful tender sweetness of a shared love, but have simply hit a speed bump of sorts and need help getting their bearings back.  It is my belief that these couples hold the real answer to the question: What is sophisticated love?

In an effort to not create another list of “what to do to make your relationship work,” with caution, I want to share what I have noticed about these couples.

Sophisticated love tends to include most of these observations, most of the time but rarely all of them, all of the time. To be clear, these couples are flawed.  They hurt both individually and at times each other. They may argue inappropriately and are late for the important stuff and they work too much and have a gang of active children. Life happens to them in the same way life happens for the masses and yet they still have each other.  (The hopeless romantic in me just sighed, smiled and teared up!) Love is so sweet.

What I have seen working with sophisticated partners in couple relationships is an acceptance for the other. No matter what the partner is bringing to the table that day, there is acceptance that the experience that is driving that reaction or response is genuine and not tainted by some erroneous desire to harm him/her in some way.  My take on this: I know you love me so I don’t have to worry that you’re trying to hurt me. I will first give the benefit of the doubt. 

Real life example: During a previous conversation, one partner was talking about how she perceived a professional certification could be beneficial for her partner who wanted to do this new training. Her statements confused him because it didn’t line up with how he experienced her up to that point. Instead of creating meaning about what she could possibly mean or deciding that what he heard was fact, he asked her later what she meant. He offered the benefit of the doubt! It sounds so simple doesn’t it?

Benefit of the doubt is evidence of another necessary element for sophisticated relationships: emotional trust. It’s the sense that each partner wants to be and will try to do what’s best for the collective: the relationship and each partner in it. The actions of each partner are believed to have positive and supportive motive.  In sophisticated relationships, the partners try to listen without defensive but rather with care and understanding more times than not.  Couples who do this seem to be more connected and less guarded with each other.

 The last element that I notice in my work with couples is lack of a defensive posture. Any version of defensiveness can cut like a dagger in a relationship. If not directly addressed, the messages of defensiveness still linger long after the couple may have resolved the conflict. The guarded stance shows up as cues that the relationship is not stable for the partner who sees/feels it which the can further perpetuate the sense of insecurity.  With insecurity, each partner questions the motive of the other, which interferes with the ability to offer the second quality of sophisticated relationships: offering the benefit of the doubt.

 Couples who can discuss the tough stuff even when it’s hard or believed to be hurtful fare better in the long run.  When I say discuss, I am referring talking softer with emotionally tender tones, offering the hurt feelings before the anger feelings.  Everyone has heard the saying: it’s not what you say, but rather how you say it. Couples who want to create emotionally tenderness speak to each other with tenderness while looking directly into each other’s eyes.  (Gosh, those moments make my heart burst!)  If you can talk about the stuff that really matters to you with your partner, even when there is hesitation then you have real possibility to stand in love! A sophisticated love. 

 Now certainly, none of what I have said guarantees the dreamy relationship you see in social media (they aren’t posting the ugly stuff), but geez it’s a simple start to a sweet and simple love that feels soooo good!

 ***Please do not confuse simple with easy. Simple means uncomplicated. Simple ain’t easy. 

Crystal Gillery, LMFT

Photo by Julian Myles on Unsplash

Focusing On Your Partner’s Love Language on Valentine’s Day

One of the most anticipated days of the year is finally here!Valentine’s Day! Although love should be expressed to our loved ones throughout the year, Valentine’s day provides everyone a chance to step out of there busy lives to consciously show affection to the people they care about. However, if you are like many others you might be unsure on what to do for your Valentine which can be very stressful. But don’t worry, I have the perfect solution for you. Show your partner affection by using their love language! 

If you are unfamiliar with Gary Chapman, The Five Love Language, it describes different ways people receive love. The Five Love languages are designed to help us pay more attention to our partner. In that, we figure out how they like to be treated so we can consciously express affection and support in a way that makes our partner feel loved. Below is the list of the five love languages and some ideas to help you plan valentine’s day using the five love languages. 

• Physical Touch- hugging, kissing, back rubs, and hand-holding

• Acts of Service-going out of your way to do something for someone especially when it’s a sacrifice

• Words of Affirmation-praise and affection both private and public

• Quality Time-giving undivided attention and being present 

• Receiving Gifts-giving gifts that are thoughtful and special  

If you don’t know your love language or your Valentine, Take the quiz right here! https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/ The results should make planning valentine’s day much easier.  

Physical Touch

Is your partner someone who loves physical touch? Buy a Groupon for a couple’s massage or give your own personalmassage. How about a morning cuddle before work? You can also go dancing and if your partner doesn’t like dancing then if you are up for it do a little dance for him/her.   

Acts of Service

Engage in thoughtful gestures aimed to ease some of the burden off your valentine such as taking out the trash, filling up their gas tank, taking their car to get detailed/cleaned, or make a home cooked breakfast or dinner.  

Quality Time 

What is a better way to give your Valentine your undivided attention then to engage in a weekend away together, engage inwine tasting or have a stay-cation with indoor activities (games, movies, questions)

Words of Affirmation

Those who love language is words of affirmation want to know why they are special to you. So why not send a memoji to remind them how much they mean to you. Place a note in their lunch telling them how amazing they are. Write a poem expressing your love and appreciation 

Gift Giving 

If your valentine’s love language is gift giving, then it is important to know it’s about the thoughtfulness and effort behind the gift. Try these suggestions! Gift a blanket or pillow with a picture collage of memories, gift something special that supports their dream/ career, and/or gift their favorite dessert/candy.

I hope this helps you plan a wonderful Valentine date!
Tiana Teague, MFT

Black Love…Everyday

Happy Valentine’s Day!! February is in full swing and we at CURA want to celebrate Black History Month and Valentine’s Day with a quick note about Black Love.

Black couples experience unique cultural and social dynamic that contribute to the way they experience their relationship. To celebrate them is to acknowledge the additional struggles that can add stressors to their relationship.

Representation is a key component in resilience. We are loving the increase in positive images and authentic stories from black couples themselves. The new movie, The Photograph (in theaters today), is one example. Though it’s a movie, the purpose (from Issa Rae herself) is to present black couples in the positive light they deserve. To have a mainstream movie center the development of a black couple is incredibly empowering.

As relationships therapists, we find it incredibly important to be culturally responsive to the needs of our clients. We encourage black couples to practice emotional vulnerability, unconditional support, and authentic expression to face sociocultural oppression. Sometimes you may only have each other and, with a little work and a lot of love, that’s enough!

Cheers to black love today and every day!!

Carla Smith PhD, LCSW, LMFT

Strength in Rain

So you made it through the cruel winter…

What scars do you have to show for it?

How much of your good sense is intact?

What pieces are left, broken as they may be?

Praise for springtime day break. 

The heavens open up to rinse away the blood, sweat, and tears that you’ve undoubtedly shed through the cold. 

To clean you up. 

To prepare you for the next battle. 

But are you inside watching the rain fall because you are too wounded from the fight?

Are you missing your opportunity for healing?

Are you forgetting that there is wisdom planted in you needing watering?

Let the rain be your renewal. 

Let your pain be the catalyst to your growth. 

I have seen forests grow from a single tear

because of the bravery to face the thunder. 

Let your mind restore and repair. 

There is no judgement here. 

Just a chair and dead air….a space for you to be bare. 

Growing Pains

Growing pains. This is one of those sayings that we use, but seldom think about what it actually means. Most often used in the context of growing physically, the weight of this sentiment gets overlooked. However, as human beings, we not only grow physically, but we grow spiritually, mentally, emotionally, etc. How have you experienced growing pains in other areas of your life? How do you approach the areas in your life where you are growing?

Let’s take a flower for example. There is a process of growth that the seed has to go through in order to reach its true form as a flower. 

The Planting

The first step in starting the process of growing a plant is to put it underneath the dirt. The seed has to be in an environment that is conducive of its growth. This is how the process begins. This “burial” of the seed is necessary to get to its final form.  

Is your environment allowing you to grow or do you need to change your environment? In what ways in your life do you feel like you’ve been buried? Are there times where you feel like it is just too dark and you cannot find your way?

Well, maybe, just possibly, this is the start of your growth journey.

The Rooting

The next step is triggered by the seed receiving the water that it needs. Once the seed is watered, it takes root to access the water that is underground. 

When you find yourself feeling buried or in a dark place, it is necessary to make sure you are being watered. What people/places/things are pouring into you? Are you in places where you are void of a water source?

The Sprouting

Once the seed receives the water that it needs, it begins to sprout from underneath the ground. Once it breaks through the surface of the ground, the plant grows from the source of sunlight by receiving energy through its leaves. The plant sustains it’s growth by staying connected to its power source, the sun.

What is your power source? What empowers you to do what you do? What keeps you going everyday and are you connected to it?

I write this to encourage all of you who may be feeling growing pains right now. I write this to tell you to get in the right environment and to make sure you are being watered and that you have enough sunlight! Growing pains are all a part of the process. Embrace them.

A Season for Refreshing

As Spring approaches, my mind is flooded with imagery of fresh green newness! Thoughts of earth replenishing herself are invoked, and if you’re anything like me, you may also be thinking about replenishing and refreshing your own life. As the short, cold days of Winter give way to the bright warming light of Spring, I often find myself anxious to mirror this shift in my own day-to-day experience. Spring cleaning — you know, that week or so you take to clean out your closets, scrub the baseboards (yeah, right!) and open the windows — is a tried-and-true example of appropriating that seasonal shift to give ourselves the experience of newness. So I started wondering: how can I do some “spring cleaning” not just in my home, but in my life? 

The first thing that came to my mind was taking an assessment of my current routines and habits, weeding out what doesn’t work anymore and looking for places to introduce more of what serves me in this season of my life. For me, this is where my nighttime, skin care and workout routines come under scrutiny. Ubiquitous as they may be in today’s world of wellness and influencing, they can truly be a demonstration of caring for yourself and setting yourself up for consistency, stability and health.

Taking an account of my current mental and emotional landscape was another key— what old mindsets and patterns of reaction am I holding onto from old seasons? Do I need to introduce a therapist for some help? Maybe; and maybe you do, too. And that’s so okay! The plants may not need assistance in shedding what’s old and sprouting what’s new, but sometimes we do.

Finally, I worked on discovering what truly replenishes my soul; looking for those true self-care things, not just pedicures and bubble baths (although for me, baths truly are rejuvenating). Keeping up with consistent Spiritual practices, spending quality time with a close person— not just empty social interaction— are some examples I value in my life. Find what touches the weariness in your soul and build ritual around that.

The newness of Spring need not be relegated to nature. We can appropriate the same idea to make sure we’re keeping up with the changes and evolution in our life, and meeting ourselves where we are. Spring is a season of refreshing, so let’s commit to refreshing ourselves this month and beyond!

Whitney Turner, MFT

Grateful to....You

How many times have you heard, “be grateful for what you have” or “show your gratitude” in reference to others and things?

How often do you show gratitude to yourself and acknowledge your strength, courage, resilience, etc.?

I know it sounds self-absorbed but it is a practice in self-love. We often compliment others and show gratitude to others, and we need to have the same practices towards ourselves (especially if you are someone who engages in negative self-talk more often than you’d care to admit).

Here are a few ways to start showing yourself gratitude:

1. Write down at least 10 things that you appreciate about yourself

2. Say thank you to yourself when you use your positive coping skills over negative ones

3. Acknowledge the ways you gave yourself what you needed at the end of the day

4. Journal about the ways you’ve motivated yourself over time

5. Create an accomplishment board where you can visually see the many things you’ve accomplished

Try some out for about a week and let me know in the comments how you felt after!

Written by Rochelle Marecheau, LMFT

Celebrating the Good

It’s finally November, which means nice Fall weather, leaves changing, preparing for Thanksgiving (safely), and possibly gathering around the table with family and loved ones reflecting on what we’re grateful for. 

To me, gratefulness is a lot more than showing appreciation or stating what we’re thankful for during the holidays, but it’s a powerful emotion that we experience whenever we recognize something good that’s impacted us. It’s taking the time to reflect on how we’ve been positively impacted and acknowledging the good in our lives, and possibly even celebrating it in some way, whether it’s by smiling to ourselves or sharing it with others. 

With all of the heaviness this year has brought us, take some time to reflect on what you’re grateful for and the good you’ve experienced in 2020. Taking the time to reflect on what we’re grateful for and practicing daily gratitude can be essential for our mental health. Try asking yourself these questions:

1. How have I been positively impacted this year?

2. What is something that happened unexpectedly that made you feel euphoric?

3. What are you fortunate for?

Written by Kendall Davis, MFT

Photo from Kiy Turk

Reflecting Forward: A Journal Prompt

You may be wondering…what in the world does reflecting forward mean?

I usually ask my clients some variation of “if your life could look the way you want, what would change today?” Sometimes there is a well thought out answer, often times there is silence. At the end of the year, resolutions usually take the focus with reflections following behind as an example of what not to do; however, reflections—especially self-reflections—do not always have to mean looking backward in time, sometimes looking forward provides insight into what’s next for your journey.

I’d like for you to try this journal prompt instead of writing bullet point resolutions.

You are going to start off by dating the letter December 31, 2021. In this letter, you are going to write to your current self, pouring in graciousness about where you are in life and growth. Seal this letter and put it away (somewhere accessible). Set a reminder in your calendar for December 31, 2021 to open the letter with directions to where this letter has been placed.

I’ve provided you with an example of my own:

December 31, 2021

Lovely Rochelle,

This year was a whirlwind but you rolled with the punches and changed direction as necessary to meet your goals. There are some things that you realized were not as important as you thought, and that’s okay. You took risks, big risks with your personal growth and relationships. You made steps in healing generational trauma and have provided your siblings with insight into what it’s truly like to be an adult figuring things out. You are going into the last year of your 20s with such peace and focus that you couldn’t possibly have dreamed of. Continue to be brave as you don’t know what this next year will hold, but you do know you are right where you need to be.

I hope you find this exercise quite refreshing.

Written by Rochelle Marecheau, LMFT

Happy New Year...I think

 Well, if you’re feeling like me…yeah, yeah, yeah. Shhh, let’s not get too excited with all the well wishes. We did that last year and look what happened. You’re not alone. 2020 was at best a tough year. We all have experienced life challenges like no other time in our lives. Some have lost loved ones, some have been sick and all have had to change how we live. Masks are not just for doctors and construction workers now. Family time is both a good, connecting and grounding thing and a challenging thing when there just SOOO much of it! (😆) Holidays are now spent alone, or at a minimum not with the extended family members from other states, or even those who live in your metro area.  Its tough for those who are away from home. It’s been a rough one! I know. 

 For good reason, starting 2021 off with hesitation provides my soul with some protection. I need to ease into it because the residual effects of the March 2020 surprise. The coronavirus took the wind out of my excitement sails of my 20/20 vision.  I’m not yet ready for the disappointment of not being able to engage in my once very active social life.  Those who know me know I LOVE to entertain and engage in social events. That has all but stopped. We are still in the muck of 2020. So it makes sense to not want to really celebrate the new year. 

But…I am also an eternal optimist. It is, in fact, a new year! If you’re reading this, you’re still here. You’re alive and hopefully well.  Though 2020 may have felt like a shit-fest in many ways there are so many ways that it has been both rewarding and beneficial. For one, as a country, we began to unite around issues of racial inequity that have plagued the country since its origin.  Now more than ever, it is difficult to ignore how Black and Brown people in the United States are treated differently in all aspects of life.  This awareness has come and continues to be at the cost of many lives and much hurt. It most certainly is not a resolved issue, but I believe that without the quarantine, we would not have slowed down enough to notice the shear craziness of this year’s deaths.  That’s a significant benefit of the quarantine!

Next, this year also afforded an opportunity to shine the light on mental health in minority communities.  At Cura, we have noticed an increase in interest and participation in therapy from minority clients. I would imagine that has a whole lot to do with all the additional time spent with people, you have more opps to see your own actions and their effects on your relationships. I am excited to see my community embracing our training and skills with new fervor.  It has truly been a joy to see people taking charge of their lives and creating change in places where they have been stuck for so long. Yet another long-lasting positive impact of 2020.

In my opening paragraph, I joked about spending sooo much time with family. And to be honest, it has been a lot! But there is no other time, have I been able to see my children and really spend so much quality time with them engaging in the mundane as well as activities of their interests. I have enjoyed learning more about anime characters and Grey’s Anatomy and swimming techniques and how genZ thinks (based purely on the experts in my house). My girls are funny, witty, anxious about how sweet 16 in February (😳) will look, dealing with social concerns, learning to drive, bored with no friends around and really good at spades, air hockey, ping pong and learning to play pool. It’s been a joy to be here with them as they are so quickly turning into young women! I am grateful for the time.

Lastly, this year has really shown me that the people in life really care about ME. Many years ago, I felt this way when family and friends really showed up for me after a major loss. This year is different. There has been no loss (I am so blessed and grateful). My friends check on me, just because. It feels good to know that people care. My extended family has used all the creative ways to see each other though we are spread across the country. We’ve done virtual house parties, virtual murder mysteries, zoom calls, virtual game nights and not to mention teaching my children how to play spades and pool (necessary college knowledge). My baby brother even got married to our favorite lady created just for him. We have created some wonderful memories! 

After reviewing all of 2020 versus just looking at the tough parts, I can say that it was a good year though very different and with challenges.  Let’s give a cheer for the new year and what’s to come. Let’s make plans to be together whether in person or virtually. Engage with the people you love, be kind to all, even the ones you don’t know and really take care of yourselves. See a therapist and learn something new about you. Happy New Year!💛

New Year, EVOLVED Me: 6 Tips on How to Create Long-Lasting New Year’s Resolutions

It is finally 2021, which means that we’ve said good riddance to 2020 and that we’re ready to start working on our goals for the New Year. With the New Year bringing a fresh start for many, hundreds of millions of people around the world are putting their final touches on their list of New Year’s Resolutions, or are working on vision boards visually capturing the things they want to accomplish in 2021. Many have also decided that the New Year is a time to wipe their slate clean and start over with working on undoing bad habits or old patterns, basically the “New Year, New Me” state of mind that most have. However, the “new me” can quickly revert to your old self only months into the New Year, abandoning or forgetting about the list of goals that were initially made. Now of course creating these resolutions is a lot easier than actually sticking to them and achieving them, but how can you work towards having goals that you follow through with that bring long-lasting change? Here are 6 Tips to help you create long-lasting resolutions in the New Year. 

1. Condense Your List

   Oftentimes people come up with a list of ten or so goals that they want to accomplish out of the excitement of starting fresh and thinking that the next 365 days will give you plenty of time to see your goals through. We all know that the year can go by SUPER fast, and it’s easy to forget about our goals simply because we have too many that we’re trying to work towards achieving. Try shortening your list in half so that you’ll have more time to focus carefully on each to better your likelihood of accomplishing your goals. 

2. Create Categories for Your Goals

   Most of our goals represent changes that we want to see in ourselves emotionally or mentally, physically, professionally, and personally. Instead of putting them in number order on one list, separate them into their corresponding category so that over time you can see how achieving each goal will impact you. For example, any diet or exercising change that you want to see would go under physical, or goals of wanting to save a certain amount of money would go under financial. 

3. Break Each Goal Down into Smaller Tasks

   We usually put a lot of thought into each goal that we want to accomplish for the year, yet we don’t always take the time to plan out how we plan on working towards achieving each goal. Sometimes our goals might seem overwhelming after time because later on in the year we’re wondering ‘Where do I Start?’ We may not know until shortly after creating the goal how we’re going to accomplish it. To make it easier, create small tasks that you can adjust as you get closer to achieving the goal that can help you actively plan this desired change.

4. Perform Quarterly Check-In’s 

   To avoid anxiety waiting until the 6-month mark to look and see how much you have or have not accomplished on your list, do check-ins with yourself every quarter to evaluate any progress that you might have made. Performing quarterly check-ins with your resolutions can also be a great opportunity for you to cross any goals off the list or create new tasks for planning.

5. Have a Good Support System

   When attempting to accomplish goals or create positive change in our lives, I’m a firm believer that we are responsible for doing most of the work to see the results that we desire. However, that doesn’t mean that we can’t have great support to help us achieve our goals along the way. Whether it’s a therapist, your family, your partner, or your friends, having people that love and care for you and want to see you win can help motivate you anytime you need an extra push or can hold you accountable while you work on achieving your goals. Let your loved ones know the resolutions you have on your list so that they can also perform check-ins with you, or allow them to help you in any way that they can. 

6. Give Yourself Grace and Have Patience

   We are so quick to become defeated or low when we aren’t able to reach our goals or when we fall short of attempting to see them through. While any disappointment or sadness is completely valid, give yourself room to breathe and the grace in knowing that your goals won’t be accomplished overnight and that doing your best is all that matters. You aren’t on anyone else’s timeline except for yours and if it takes you longer than a year to accomplish a goal or if you’re having difficulty getting there, it’s OK. Be patient. The fact that you were willing to create goals to better yourself in the first place says a lot about yourself and your self-worth. 
   

I wish you a happy and prosperous New Year, and I hope that this list of tips can be used as a guide to help you achieve your goals a little easier for 2021. 

Who's in Your Bubble?

Who’s in your bubble has taken on a quite an interesting meaning as we are approaching a year of COVID-19 quarantine living. I remember seeing a lot of memes and posts on social media last March saying things like “if your friends aren’t checking on you during the pandemic they aren’t your friends.” Now that we are a year into this pandemic life, I’d like to talk a little about who's been supporting you and who you’ve been supporting for the last year.

COVID-19 has placed a medical layer to the standards of your bubble, but being aware of who you rely on for support is quite imperative. Say you are abiding by CDC guidelines: maintaining your distance from others, wearing your mask properly, etc., and your friend is doing the complete opposite, would you want them in your bubble? I’m going to guess the answer is no. The same should go for your mental health. Those who are in your bubble should hold the values you do and actively support you reaching the mental wellness milestones you’ve set for yourself; however, this does not mean that they are responsible for your emotional well being.

One of the things I ask during an intake session is “who do you go to for support and what does that support look like?” This is to prep my clients for things that may change as they grow. Growth requires more than just the individual searching for it…the right environment must be cultivated for it to blossom. It is more than just having people to talk to but also having people you trust to be vulnerable with and can ask for necessary emotional help. Having those friends you can go out for a drink with is great, but having those friends you can share journal entries and talk about your fears with is even better.

Personal story: I was feeling quite unsure of myself after going through a break-up. I shared with my friends that I was feeling like I was not enough. This was big for me because in this moment I was completely transparent and open with my friends, something I had been working on with my own therapist. These friends sprang into action and surprised me with a self-compassion gift bag a week later filled with affirmations, my favorite treats, and self-care items to reground me. Some of those items are pictured above. Photo by Pillowy Thoughts.

Now my friends have definitely set the bar high but what I’d like for you to get out of this story is that I trusted these friends with a vulnerable moment and they in turn validated that they were a safe space. The people in your bubble should be able to spring into action once you voice things you’re struggling with, whether it be as a sounding board or a gentle reminder. Your encounters with them should not leave you feeling worse.

Think about those that you’ve allowed to stay in your bubble. Are they helping you up if you have a dip in your emotional wellness? Have others come to you and have you validated that you were a safe space? Are you open to sharing those tender spots of you? These are questions that may not come up often but that are definitely worth serious consideration.

Share in the comments what you’ve learned about your bubble!