Walking on Eggshells…
Walking On Eggshells…
Emotional triggers can feel overwhelming and unpredictable, often leaving us reacting in ways we don’t fully understand. These triggers are not just surface-level reactions—they are signals from our emotional system, pointing to deeper unmet needs, attachment wounds, or unresolved pain. Cura therapists helps you explore these triggers with compassion and curiosity, allowing you to heal and respond to emotions in a healthier, more connected way.
What Are Emotional Triggers?
In the Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) framework, emotional triggers are often linked to attachment fears, past experiences, and learned emotional responses. A trigger may arise when something in the present moment touches on past emotional wounds, leading to strong feelings of fear, sadness, anger, or shame.
How EFT Helps You Heal
Understanding the Root Cause: Rather than just managing symptoms, our therapists help uncover the deeper emotional and relational patterns that contribute to your triggers.
Creating Emotional Awareness: Therapy provides a safe space to explore and name your emotions, allowing you to understand what is happening beneath the surface when you are triggered.
Reshaping Emotional Responses: Instead of reacting in the same automatic ways, our therapists help you slow down, process emotions, and respond with greater awareness and self-compassion.
Healing Attachment Wounds: Many triggers stem from past relational hurts. Cura therapists focus on creating secure emotional connections, whether with yourself or others, helping you to heal and develop new patterns of emotional safety.
Building Resilience and Connection: As you work through emotional triggers, you build greater emotional resilience and deeper connections with those around you. This allows you to engage with life and relationships in a more secure, open, and fulfilling way.
Healing emotional triggers takes time and self-compassion, but therapy can provide the guidance and support needed to navigate this journey. Cura therapists help you create a deeper understanding of your emotions, heal past wounds, and develop new ways of relating to yourself and others with security and confidence.
If you’re ready to explore and heal your emotional triggers, consider taking the first step toward therapy with a Cura therapist. You deserve to feel emotionally connected, safe, and empowered in your life.
Rochelle Marecheau, LMFT
From Surviving to Thriving: Practical Steps for Healing and Mental Wellness
Practical Steps for Healing
Part 2: Practical Steps for Healing and Mental Wellness in the Black Community
Healing isn’t just a one-time thing—it’s an ongoing process. So how do we actually make mental
wellness a part of our daily lives? In this second part, we’re breaking down simple, practical ways to start
healing and breaking cycles that no longer serve us.
1. Therapy: Not Just for Crisis Mode
Therapy can be a game changer, especially when you find someone who understands the unique
experiences of being Black in today’s world. If you’re looking for a Black therapist or one who’s
culturally competent, check out the clinician profiles at Curaforcouples.com.
And let’s bust this myth: Therapy isn’t just for when things are falling apart. It’s like going to the gym for
your mind—it helps keep you strong and balanced before things get too heavy.
2. Express Yourself
Too often, we’re taught to "keep it together" and not show emotions. But bottling things up doesn’t make
them go away—it just builds pressure. Finding ways to express ourselves, whether through journaling,
art, music, or just having heart-to-heart talks with people we trust, can be so healing. Your feelings are
valid, and you deserve to be heard.
3. Set Boundaries Like Your Peace Depends on It (Because It Does)
Setting boundaries is one of the most powerful things we can do for our mental health. That means
learning to say no without guilt, distancing ourselves from toxic relationships, and even limiting how
much negative news we consume.
And let’s talk about family. Just because we love them doesn’t mean we have to accept harmful behaviors.
Having honest conversations and setting healthy boundaries—even when it’s hard—is necessary for
breaking generational patterns.
4. Make Space for Joy
Joy is not an afterthought—it’s a necessity. We don’t need permission to celebrate ourselves, find things
that make us laugh, or take moments to just breathe and be. Whether it’s dancing, cooking, listening to
music, or spending time with loved ones, joy is healing.
5. Reconnect with Cultural Healing Practices
Our ancestors knew a thing or two about healing. Meditation, herbal remedies, drumming, storytelling—
these traditions have been part of our culture for generations. Honoring these practices, alongside modern therapy, can provide a holistic approach to mental wellness.
6. Keep the Conversation Going
Talking about mental health helps break the stigma. Share resources, check in on your friends, and don’t
be afraid to open up about your own journey. The more we talk about it, the more we make healing a
normal, accepted part of life.
7. Moving Forward with Intention
Taking care of our mental health is not a luxury—it’s a necessity. And it’s something we can all commit
to, not just for ourselves but for future generations. So let’s do the work, lean on each other, and keep
moving toward healing. Because we don’t just deserve to survive—we deserve to thrive.
Ayanna Kilgore , MAMFT, MSED
Are You Feeling Stuck?
Are You Feeling Stuck?
Feeling stuck can be an overwhelming and frustrating experience. You may find yourself repeating the same patterns in relationships, struggling with unresolved emotions, or feeling disconnected from yourself and others. Cura therapists can help you move through this emotional gridlock by addressing the deeper attachment needs and fears that keep you feeling trapped.
Understanding the Feeling of Being Stuck
From an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) perspective, feeling stuck often arises when our emotional needs are not being met or when we are caught in cycles of disconnection—either within ourselves or in our relationships. These emotional patterns can keep us frozen in a place of frustration, helplessness, or emotional numbness.
How EFT Helps You Move Forward
Identifying Emotional Patterns: EFT helps uncover the negative emotional cycles that keep you feeling stuck. By recognizing these patterns, you gain insight into what is truly happening beneath the surface.
Creating Emotional Awareness and Safety: Often, we avoid or suppress emotions because they feel too overwhelming or unsafe. Our therapists provide a structured, compassionate space where you can explore and process emotions safely.
Strengthening Emotional Connections: Many times, feeling stuck stems from unmet attachment needs. Our therapists work to rebuild and strengthen emotional connections with yourself and others, allowing for healing and growth.
Reprocessing Painful Experiences: If past emotional wounds are keeping you from moving forward, our therapists can help you process these experiences in a way that fosters understanding, healing, and self-compassion.
Building a Secure Emotional Foundation: As you work through emotions and create new patterns of connection, you build a more secure emotional foundation. This helps you approach life and relationships with greater confidence and emotional flexibility.
If you’ve been feeling stuck, know that you don’t have to navigate this alone. Therapy offers a space to explore your emotions, shift negative patterns, and create new pathways for healing and connection. With EFT and Cura, you can gain the emotional clarity and support you need to move forward with greater confidence and connection.
Rochelle Marecheau, LMFT
Breaking the Silence: Prioritizing Mental Health in the Black Community
Prioritizing Mental Health in the Black Community
Part 1: Prioritizing Mental Health in the Black Community – A Call to Healing
As we step into Black History Month, we take time to honor our resilience, brilliance, and all the
incredible contributions of Black people throughout history. But let’s be real—we’ve also faced struggles
that continue to impact us today. From systemic injustices to racial trauma and generational wounds, it’s
no surprise that mental health can take a hit. In times like these, taking care of ourselves isn’t just a nice
idea—it’s a necessity.
Let’s Talk About the Stigma
For a long time, mental health wasn’t something we talked about openly in our community. Many of us
grew up hearing things like "What happens in this house stays in this house" or "Just pray about it." While
faith and family are major sources of strength, they shouldn’t stop us from getting professional support
when we need it. Asking for help doesn’t make us weak—it’s actually one of the bravest things we can
do.
Therapy isn’t just for when things fall apart. It can be a powerful tool for self-discovery, emotional
balance, and breaking generational cycles. The more we normalize seeking help—whether that’s therapy,
support groups, or even just open conversations—the more we can move past the silence and start
healing.
The Weight of Racial Trauma
Racial trauma is real, and it affects us in ways we may not even realize. Whether it’s microaggressions,
systemic discrimination, or just the exhaustion of always having to prove ourselves, these experiences
take a toll on our mental and emotional health. And let’s be honest—it’s not just something from the past.
It’s happening now, in our daily lives, in our workplaces, in our schools, and even in our own
communities.
So how do we heal? It starts with acknowledging the pain. Finding spaces where we can be real about our
experiences—whether that’s through culturally competent therapy, community discussions, or even just
talking to trusted friends—can be a game changer. Healing doesn’t mean we stay stuck in the pain; it
means we process it in a way that empowers us to move forward.
Self-Care Is Not Selfish
We live in a world that often expects us to give, give, and give some more—without stopping to check in
on our own well-being. But let’s be clear: taking care of ourselves is not selfish. It’s necessary. And no,
self-care isn’t just about spa days and vacations (though those are great, too!). It’s about setting
boundaries, saying no when we need to, and giving ourselves permission to rest without guilt.
Rest is revolutionary. Our ancestors were denied rest, and today, we still feel pressure to push ourselves to
the limit. But what if we redefined success to include peace, joy, and emotional well-being? That’s real
freedom.
Healing in Community
Healing doesn’t happen in isolation. We need each other. Black joy, Black love, and Black unity are just
as important as therapy and self-care. Whether it’s through faith groups, support circles, or just connecting with like-minded people, community is where true healing happens.
And let’s not forget the power of intergenerational conversations. When we listen to our elders and, at the
same time, educate the next generation about mental health, we bridge gaps and create space for deeper
understanding and growth.
Moving Forward
As we celebrate Black History Month, let’s also commit to prioritizing our mental well-being. Therapy,
self-care, community support, and breaking harmful cycles are all part of the journey. We deserve to heal.
We deserve to thrive. We deserve peace.
In part two, we’ll dive into practical ways to make mental wellness a daily priority—because healing isn’t
just something we talk about; it’s something we do.
Ayanna Kilgore, Ayanna Kilgore , MAMFT, MSED
A Journey of Love and Connection: Part 2
In Part 1, we followed Emily and Jake as they recognized the need to deepen their emotional intimacy. Through creating a safe space for vulnerability, practicing active listening, and expanding their emotional vocabulary, they began to build a stronger connection. Their journey so far has shown how intentionality and openness can transform a relationship. Now, in Part 2, we explore the next steps they took to continue strengthening their bond, including sharing dreams, navigating conflicts, and celebrating their progress.
Strengthening Emotional Intimacy Through Shared Goals and Conflict Resolution
Step 4: Sharing Dreams and Goals
Another turning point came during a weekend retreat focused on relationships. One exercise involved sharing personal dreams and life goals. Jake hesitated at first, fearing judgment, but Emily’s encouraging smile gave him the courage to open up.
“I’ve always wanted to start my own business,” he confessed. “But I’m scared I’ll fail.”
Emily squeezed his hand. “That’s amazing, Jake. I believe in you, and I’ll support you however I can.”
Hearing her unwavering support strengthened their bond and inspired Jake to take small steps toward his dream. Likewise, Emily shared her goal of writing a novel, and Jake became her biggest cheerleader.
Step 5: Navigating Conflict with Care
Developing emotional intimacy didn’t mean their relationship became conflict-free. However, they learned to approach disagreements as opportunities for growth rather than battles to win. They adopted a “us versus the problem” mindset and practiced pausing during heated moments to cool down before revisiting the issue.
During one argument about spending habits, Emily admitted, “I get anxious about money because I grew up in a household where we struggled financially.” Jake responded with patience and understanding, sharing his perspective as well. This mutual vulnerability turned a potential rift into a moment of connection.
Step 6: Celebrating Small Wins
Emily and Jake discovered the importance of celebrating their progress. Whether it was successfully navigating a difficult conversation or simply expressing gratitude for each other, they made it a point to acknowledge these moments.
“I’m really proud of how we’ve been communicating lately,” Emily said one evening. “It feels like we’re truly understanding each other.”
Jake smiled. “Yeah, I feel closer to you than ever.”
Step 7: Maintaining the Connection
As their relationship deepened, Emily and Jake committed to maintaining their emotional intimacy. They continued their weekly connection nights, checked in with each other regularly, and remained open to growth. They also sought resources, like books and workshops, to keep learning about healthy relationship practices.
Over time, their bond became a source of strength, comfort, and joy. They learned that emotional intimacy wasn’t a destination but a journey—one that required consistent effort, patience, and love.
~
Emily and Jake’s story shows that developing healthy emotional intimacy takes time and intentionality. By creating a safe space, practicing active listening, expanding their emotional vocabulary, sharing dreams, navigating conflict with care, celebrating small wins, and maintaining their connection, they built a relationship that was both deep and fulfilling.
For couples looking to embark on a similar journey, the key is to approach the process with curiosity, compassion, and a willingness to grow together. Emotional intimacy isn’t just about sharing feelings; it’s about building a partnership rooted in trust, understanding, and mutual support—a foundation for love that stands the test of time.
Disclaimer: The narrative presented in this blog is a fictionalized account inspired by common experiences in romantic relationships. Names, details, and scenarios have been altered or created to maintain confidentiality and ensure privacy.
A Journey of Love and Connection: Part 1
Emily and Jake had been dating for two years, and while their relationship was filled with fun, laughter, and adventure, they couldn’t shake the feeling that something was missing. Both were deeply in love, but their conversations often hovered at the surface level, and moments of vulnerability were rare. They wanted to deepen their emotional intimacy but didn’t know where to begin. This is their story—a journey toward building a healthier, emotionally intimate connection.
Recognizing the Need for Emotional Intimacy
It all started on a chilly autumn evening. Emily and Jake sat by the fireplace in Emily’s small apartment, sipping hot cocoa. The atmosphere was cozy, but the silence between them felt heavy. Emily broke the quiet. “Jake, do you ever feel like we don’t really talk about… deeper things? Like our fears, dreams, or the stuff that shaped us?”
Jake nodded slowly. “Yeah, I’ve noticed that too. I guess I’m not always sure how to start those conversations.”
This mutual recognition marked the first step: acknowledging the need to build emotional intimacy. They decided to approach this aspect of their relationship together, as a team.
Step 1: Creating a Safe Space
Emily and Jake knew they needed to create an environment where both felt safe expressing their true selves. They agreed to set aside one evening a week as “connection night,” where they’d focus on open communication without distractions.
On their first connection night, Emily shared a vulnerable story from her childhood—a time she felt rejected by a close friend. “It’s why I sometimes worry about people leaving,” she admitted, her voice trembling.
Jake listened intently, resisting the urge to offer immediate solutions. Instead, he placed his hand gently on hers and said, “Thank you for sharing that with me. I can see how much that shaped you.” His response made Emily feel seen and understood, setting the tone for their future conversations.
Step 2: Practicing Active Listening
Jake realized he had a habit of jumping in with advice when Emily opened up. Determined to change, he researched active listening techniques. “I read that paraphrasing what you’re saying can help show I’m listening,” he told Emily.
During their next connection night, Emily shared her frustrations about work. Jake focused on maintaining eye contact, nodding, and summarizing her feelings. “So, it sounds like you’re feeling unappreciated because your efforts aren’t being recognized,” he said.
Emily’s face lit up. “Exactly! It feels so good to be heard.”
This practice not only helped Emily feel valued but also taught Jake the importance of presence and empathy in building emotional intimacy.
Step 3: Exploring Emotional Vocabulary
As their conversations deepened, Emily and Jake realized they often struggled to articulate their emotions. “I think we should work on expanding our emotional vocabulary,” Emily suggested. They began keeping a list of emotion words and checking in with each other using these terms.
One evening, Jake came home visibly upset. Instead of saying, “I’m fine,” he admitted, “I’m feeling overwhelmed and frustrated because I’m behind on a project at work.” Emily appreciated his honesty and responded with compassion. Over time, this practice helped them better understand and support each other’s emotional experiences.
~
If you’ve been inspired by Emily and Jake’s journey so far, stay tuned for the next part of their story. In Part 2, we’ll explore how they strengthened their emotional intimacy by sharing dreams, navigating conflicts with care, and celebrating small wins. Discover how their continued efforts deepened their bond and brought them closer than ever.
Disclaimer: The narrative presented in this blog is a fictionalized account inspired by common experiences in romantic relationships. Names, details, and scenarios have been altered or created to maintain confidentiality and ensure privacy.
Finding Love In The New Year
New Year, New Love?
Finding Love in the New Year
As the clock strikes midnight on December 31st, many of us find ourselves reflecting on the past year and setting intentions for the year ahead. For some, finding love is a cherished goal, a resolution that promises warmth, companionship, and joy. However, this target may seem a distant hope, with little more than disappointment, fear and discouragement in view. So where do you start? The beginning of a new year is a perfect opportunity to embark on a journey of self-love. Cultivating self-love is a powerful way to enhance your overall well-being and draw into your life the romantic love you desire.
Understanding Self-Love
Self-love is about recognizing your worth and treating yourself with grace, kindness and respect. It involves accepting your true self, including your strengths and imperfections. By prioritizing self-love, you create a foundation for healthier relationships and a more fulfilling life.
Steps to Cultivate Self-Love
1. Practice Self-Compassion
Be Gentle with Yourself: Treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer a friend. Acknowledge your efforts and forgive your mistakes.
Positive Self-Talk: Replace negative self-talk with affirmations that reinforce your worth and potential.
2. Set Healthy Boundaries
Know Your Limits: Understand what you can handle emotionally, physically, and mentally. Practice sharing these boundaries to others.
Prioritize Your Needs: Make sure your needs are met before extending yourself to others.
3. Engage in Self-Care
Physical Care: Exercise regularly, eat nourishing food, and ensure you get enough rest.
Mental Health Care: Meditate, journal, or engage in activities that promote mental relaxation and clarity.
4. Celebrate Your Accomplishments
Reflect on Achievements: Take time to reflect on what you have accomplished, no matter how small.
Reward Yourself: Celebrate victories with meaningful rewards that bring you joy.
5. Surround Yourself with Positivity
Positive Relationships: Cultivate relationships that uplift and support you.
Inspiring Environment: Fill your space with items and messages that inspire and motivate you.
Overcoming Challenges
Dealing with Self-Doubt
Recognize self-doubt as a natural emotion but challenge its validity by focusing on your strengths and achievements.
Managing Criticism
Accept constructive criticism but filter out negativity that does not serve your growth.
Reflect and Adjust
As you progress on your self-love journey, regularly reflect on your experiences and adjust your practices to better suit your evolving needs. Remember, self-love is a lifelong journey that requires patience and dedication to replace and create consistent patterns.
Use your self-reflections and personal growth to spark the energy you will need to engage in developing a potential romantic relationship. Again, before seeking love elsewhere, it's important to start with yourself. Understanding your own needs and desires can help you find a partner who truly complements you.
· Identify Your Values: Reflect on what matters most to you in a relationship. Is it trust, adventure, support, or something else? Knowing your core values can help you choose a partner who aligns with them.
· Set Personal Goals: Consider how personal growth can enhance your ability to connect with others. Whether it's taking up a new hobby or pursuing a career milestone, achieving goals can boost your confidence and make you more attractive to potential partners.
Expanding Your Social Circles
Meeting new people is a crucial step in finding love. This year, consider expanding your social circles in creative ways.
· Join Clubs or Groups: Participate in activities that interest you, such as book clubs, sports teams, or volunteer organizations. These settings provide natural opportunities to meet people with similar interests.
· Attend Social Events: Make an effort to attend parties, networking events, or community gatherings. Stepping out of your comfort zone can lead to unexpected connections.
Embracing Online Dating
In today's digital age, online dating has become a prevalent way to meet potential partners. Here's how to make the most of this platform:
· Choose the Right App: Select a dating app that aligns with your relationship goals. Whether you're looking for something casual or a long-term partner, there's likely an app tailored to your needs.
· Create an Authentic Profile: Be honest and genuine in your online dating profile. Share your interests, hobbies, and what you're seeking in a relationship to attract like-minded individuals. Show your personality!
Being Open to New Experiences
Love often finds us when we least expect it. Being open to new experiences can increase your chances of meeting someone special.
· Travel to New Places: Whether it's a weekend getaway or an overseas adventure, traveling can expose you to new cultures and people, enhancing your opportunities to connect.
· Try New Hobbies: Engaging in new activities can introduce you to diverse groups of people, expanding your potential for romance.
Cultivating Patience and Positivity
Finding love is a journey, and it's important to approach it with patience and a positive mindset.
· Stay Patient: Understand that every connection may not lead to a relationship, and that's okay. Each experience is a step forward in your journey and an opportunity to learn more about you.
· Maintain Positivity: Positivity attracts positivity. By focusing on the good in your life, you'll naturally draw people who share your outlook.
In the new year, remember that finding love begins with loving yourself. By embracing growth, expanding your horizons, and maintaining an open heart, you're setting the stage for a fulfilling and romantic year ahead. Cheers to love and happiness in the upcoming months!
working, living, and thriving together: a guide to harmonious partnership
Working & Living with Your Partner
In a world that constantly demands more of our time and energy, finding a work-life balance can be challenging. But what if you could combine both aspects of your life, working and living with your partner? Many couples are discovering the benefits of coexisting in both their personal and professional lives. Let’s explore the joys and challenges of working, living, and thriving with your partner and offer tips on how to make this unique partnership a success.
Working together can offer so much joy:
Exploration of a shared goal can be so enriching to your relationship: Working with your partner allows you to align your professional goals, fostering a sense of unity and purpose. Contributing your own expertise to the project, and your partner doing the same allows you the pleasure of watching the collaboration grow into a profitable business. Let’s call that the “look what we did” effect!
An opportunity for increased communication: Constant collaboration encourages and requires open communication, which is key to any successful relationship. Scheduling business meetings, recording notes and referring to them is imperative to reaching your goals. Also, it’s important to remember that solid communication strategies are best noticed when when the topic isn’t fun or positive. Establishing those strategies prior to the hard topics will make the relationship and the work better.
Your shared goal and your solid communication allow you to build together: Creating a business or project together can be incredibly rewarding, strengthening your emotional connection. When things go well, you’ve practiced effective communication and reached a goal or a mile stone, you can look at your partner with a new appreciation for the effort, hard work and determination that it took to get there. Aw, babe, look at us! 🥰
Working with your partner can prove challenging. Here are a few simple tips to mange the heartache from the work environment.
Maintain very clear boundaries: It's crucial to establish clear boundaries between work and personal life to avoid burnout and conflicts. A disagreement from home has to stay at home and disagreements from work need to stay at work.
Determine a plan for dealing with Stress: Work-related stress can spill into your personal life. Finding healthy ways to cope is essential. These can be together like a defined debriefing time from work related issues or separately including a massage or a trip to the gym.
Maintain a focus on each person’s independence: It's important to maintain individual identities and interests outside of your shared endeavors. Enjoy times with friends, continue your individual hobbies. Allocate time for alone time and self-care to recharge individually. Create other experiences that you can bring back to your partner to share.
Create a harmonious living space with personal spaces: Designate areas within your home for personal time and relaxation. These don’t have to be separate from each other.
Remember the house is a shared responsibility: Divide household chores and responsibilities fairly to avoid resentment. Be intentional about it, resist assumptions and make it clear.
Make quality time a priority: Schedule regular date nights or quality time together to nurture your romantic connection. Resist the urge to talk about work and the kids. Cultivate the “us” that keeps everything else afloat.
You have the shared goal and some tools to avoid pitfalls, now what can you do to thrive together?
Cultivate a Growth Mindset: Embrace challenges as opportunities for personal and professional growth. Risk is inherent in life, explore and evaluate the risks together. Consider how it might help, change or benefit the organization.
Celebrate Achievements: Recognize and celebrate both big and small accomplishments together. These opps for celebration include reaching certain sales milestones, acknowledgment from the community, new connections made, etc.
Seek Support: Don't hesitate to seek guidance from relationship experts or couples who have successfully navigated similar journeys. No need to reinvent the wheel, Ask questions that are helpful to you, your business and your partnership. Business coaches, relationship therapists and mentors have the experience and training to help you navigate when things go off course.
It would be a failure, not to mention communication again here! Recap:
- Open and Honest Dialogue: Talk about your goals, expectations, and concerns regularly.
- Active Listening: Pay attention to your partner's needs and feelings, and validate their experiences.
- Conflict Resolution: Learn to resolve conflicts constructively and avoid bottling up frustrations.
Working, living, and thriving with your partner can be a rewarding and fulfilling journey when approached with care, communication, and a growth mindset. It offers a unique opportunity to build a life together, sharing not only your home but also your dreams and aspirations. While it may come with its fair share of challenges, the joys of this partnership can far outweigh the difficulties. With open communication, boundaries, and a commitment to personal growth, you and your partner can create a harmonious and thriving life together.
Supporting Your Partner Through Holiday Grief - Part Two
Navigating the holiday season can be especially challenging when your partner is grieving. In Part Two of Supporting Your Partner Through Holiday Grief, we’ll provide additional tips into practical ways to offer comfort, create space for their emotions, and maintain connection during this emotionally complex time. Whether it's honoring traditions, adjusting expectations, or simply being present, your support can make a meaningful difference.
Foster Emotional Connection by Sharing Support
While grief can create a distance between people, it’s important to remember that it can also be a time to foster a deeper emotional connection. We emphasize that couples are emotionally connected through their responses to each other’s needs. During times of grief, this connection can become even more important.
When your partner is grieving, be proactive in offering emotional support. This can be as simple as offering a warm touch, creating a quiet space for them to process their emotions, or checking in regularly to see how they’re doing. In some cases, you may need to initiate conversations to create emotional closeness and safety.
You can also gently offer emotional intimacy by sharing your own feelings in response to their grief. Expressing vulnerability can strengthen the emotional bond and help your partner feel understood.
For example:
- "I’ve noticed how much pain you’re in, and it hurts me to see you like this. I wish I could take it away, but I’m here with you, every step of the way."
- "I feel a little lost too, and I know this is a hard time for both of us. But I’m grateful for the time we’re spending together, even if it’s difficult."
- "I want to make this easier for you. I’m here to help with anything you need, whether that’s talking or simply sitting together."
Sharing your own feelings can show your partner that you are emotionally available and engaged in the process of grieving together, rather than apart. This mutual emotional exchange strengthens the attachment and allows both partners to feel supported.
Allow for Flexibility and Patience
Grief is unpredictable, and it can change from day to day or even moment to moment. During the holidays, your partner’s emotional needs might shift unexpectedly, and it’s important to remain flexible and patient with them as they process their emotions.
There’s an importance of attachment flexibility—being willing to adjust to each other’s needs in ways that foster a deeper, more secure connection. This means allowing your partner to have good days and bad days, without placing expectations on how they should be feeling or how they should be grieving. Let them move through the process at their own pace.
You might say:
- "I understand that today might be a harder day. We can take things one step at a time, and we don’t have to do everything."
- "If you want to skip certain activities this year, that’s okay. We can create new traditions, or just take it slow."
Supporting your partner’s grief with patience and flexibility allows them to feel that they are in control of their emotional experience. It also builds trust that you won’t push them to “move on” or “get over it” prematurely.
Encourage Professional Support If Needed
Sometimes, grief can feel overwhelming, and the support of a loved one, while invaluable, may not be enough. If your partner’s grief is interfering with their ability to function or if they’re struggling to manage their emotions, it might be helpful to encourage them to seek professional support, such as therapy. Grief often triggers deep emotional wounds, and a therapist can provide tools and strategies to help your partner process those emotions in a safe environment.
You might say:
- "I can see how much this is affecting you. It might help to talk to someone who can support you through this grief. Would you be open to that?"
- "If you ever feel like talking to someone outside of our relationship would help, I’ll support you in that decision."
Offering the suggestion of therapy shows your partner that you care about their emotional well-being and that seeking help is a courageous and supportive step.
Helping a partner through holiday grief requires deep emotional attunement, patience, and compassion. By creating a safe emotional space, validating their feelings, and fostering emotional connection, you can provide the support they need during this difficult time. The holidays may never be the same for your partner, but with your love, presence, and understanding, you can walk through this grieving process together, strengthening your emotional bond.
Supporting Your Partner Through Holiday Grief - Part One
Supporting your partner through holiday grief
The holiday season is often synonymous with joy, connection, and celebration. For many, it’s a time to share warmth and make lasting memories with loved ones. However, for someone grieving—whether due to the loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or any other significant loss—the holidays can be a painful reminder of what’s missing. The emotional weight of grief can feel especially heavy during this time, and as a partner, you may feel unsure about how to help, what to say, or how to be supportive without overwhelming them further.
In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we understand that emotions are central to how people connect, heal, and grow. Grief is an emotional experience that can deeply impact relationships, especially romantic ones. The key to helping your partner through holiday grief is to be present with them emotionally, to understand their emotional needs, and to create a safe, compassionate space where they can experience and process their feelings.
Create a Safe Emotional Space for Vulnerability
Grief often brings up raw, vulnerable emotions. It’s not uncommon for someone who is grieving to experience a wide range of feelings: sadness, anger, fear, guilt, or even numbness. During the holidays, these emotions can become more intense. For someone who is mourning, there can be a deep longing for what has been lost, and that longing might be difficult to express.
As a partner, one of the most important things you can do is create a **safe emotional space** for your loved one. This means being present and available for your partner’s emotions without judgment, criticism, or trying to “fix” their pain. It’s about allowing them to feel whatever they’re feeling and assuring them that it’s okay to be vulnerable with you.
You might say:
- "I can see how much this hurts, and I want you to know that I’m here with you, no matter what you’re feeling."
- "If you need to cry or just sit in silence, I’m right here. You don’t have to hold anything back."
- "I can’t take your pain away, but I’m here to share it with you."
Emotional responsiveness is key—being attuned to your partner’s emotions and responding with care and empathy. When you respond in ways that honor and validate their grief, it fosters emotional safety and deepens the bond between you.
Tune In to Their Emotional Needs
Grief is an intensely emotional experience, and everyone processes it in their own way. Some people may want to talk about their loss and share memories, while others may retreat inwardly and need space. It’s important to tune into your partner’s emotional needs, both in the moment and over time.
We talk about the importance of emotional attunement—being in tune with your partner’s emotional states and needs. This means not only recognizing when they are struggling but also understanding how they may want to be supported. Sometimes, grief doesn’t look like sadness. It can show up as irritability, withdrawal, or even a desire to avoid certain holiday activities. Understanding that your partner’s grief may take many forms will help you respond in ways that feel helpful rather than overwhelming.
You might ask:
- "I know this time of year is tough. Do you want to talk about it, or would you prefer some quiet time together?"
- "I’m noticing that you seem a little overwhelmed. How can I help make this easier for you right now?"
- "Would you like to share some memories of [loved one], or would it feel better to take a break from the holiday talk?"
By engaging in emotionally focused listening, where you listen deeply to not just the words but the feelings behind them, you create a space where your partner’s emotional needs are met without the need for them to express everything explicitly. This builds emotional trust and connection.
Validate Their Grief and Emotions
Grief can be an isolating experience. When someone is grieving, they may feel misunderstood, or they may be unsure if their feelings are “acceptable” or “appropriate” during the holidays. As a partner, one of the most important things you can do is validate their emotions. This means acknowledging their pain without judgment or trying to minimize it.
Validation is a core element of emotional support. Validation doesn’t mean agreeing with everything your partner says, but it does mean showing that you understand their emotional experience and that their feelings are normal and justified. Validation helps your partner feel seen and heard in a way that encourages emotional expression and healing.
You can validate their grief by saying:
- "It makes sense that you’re feeling so sad. The holidays have always been a time to share memories, and this year is different."
- "I can only imagine how much you miss [name]. It’s okay to feel this way, and it’s okay if it takes time to heal."
- "I see how hard this is for you. I’m not going to rush you through it, and I’m here as long as you need me."
Validation fosters emotional closeness. When you validate your partner’s grief, you are letting them know that their feelings are part of their shared human experience and that they’re not alone.
Check back later this week for more tips for supporting your partner through holiday grief!
Navigating Seasonal Depression: Embracing the Changes
If you’re feeling a little more blue than usual, know that you’re not alone. Let’s explore some thoughtful ways to cope and even thrive during this time.
Seasonal Depression - Part II
As the days grow shorter and the chill of winter settles in, many people find themselves grappling with the weight of seasonal depression. If you’re feeling a little more blue than usual, know that you’re not alone. Let’s explore some thoughtful ways to cope and even thrive during this time.
1. Light Up Your Life
One of the biggest challenges during the colder months is the lack of sunlight. Consider investing in a light therapy box or plant grow light bulbs. These devices mimic natural sunlight and can be particularly effective in lifting your mood. Aim for at least 20-30 minutes of exposure each morning.
2. Connect with Nature, Even Indoors
Bring the outside in! Decorating your space with houseplants can brighten your mood and create a soothing environment (it’s one of the reasons we keep live plants in office). If you can, bundle up and take a brisk walk outside, even if it’s just for a few minutes. Nature has a remarkable way of rejuvenating our spirits.
3. Cultivate New Hobbies
Winter is the perfect time to dive into activities you’ve always wanted to try. Whether it’s painting, knitting, or learning a musical instrument, engaging in creative pursuits can distract your mind and spark joy. Consider joining a local class or an online community to share your progress and meet new friends.
4. Mindful Movement
Incorporate movement into your daily routine, whether it’s yoga, dancing, or simple stretching. Physical activity releases endorphins, which can help combat feelings of sadness. Try setting a goal to engage in mindful movement for at least 15 minutes each day. This doesn’t mean you need to become a fitness guru overnight—start small! Maybe do some stretches while you wait for the microwave, or take a brisk walk to the fridge and back. Every little bit counts, especially if you’re carrying snacks.
5. Nourish Your Body
Comfort food is often a go-to during colder months, but consider balancing indulgence with nutritious meals. Incorporate seasonal produce like squash, root vegetables, and hearty greens. Preparing warm, wholesome meals can be both comforting and uplifting.
6. Reach Out and Share
Don’t underestimate the power of connection. Whether it’s a phone call, video chat, or an in-person coffee date, talking about your feelings can be incredibly therapeutic. Surround yourself with supportive friends or family who understand what you’re going through.
7. Set Up a Cozy Sanctuary
Create a warm, inviting space in your home where you can unwind. Think soft blankets, warm lighting, and your favorite books or movies. This little sanctuary can become your go-to place to recharge and relax, helping you navigate tougher days.
8. Practice Gratitude
Start a gratitude journal, jotting down a few things you’re thankful for each day. This simple practice can shift your perspective and help you focus on the positives, even when it feels challenging.
9. Laugh, Even If It’s at Yourself
Watch a funny movie, read some memes, or just remember that one time you tried to build a snowman and ended up with a lumpy, sad-looking snow blob. Your past self might be cringing, but future you is laughing—and that’s what matters.
10. Plan for the Future
Take time to plan for the brighter days ahead. Whether it’s scheduling a trip, making plans with friends, or setting goals for the spring, having something to look forward to can be a powerful motivator.
11. Consider Professional Help
Lastly, if seasonal depression feels overwhelming, don’t hesitate to seek professional support. Therapists can provide valuable strategies and coping mechanisms tailored to your needs.
Conclusion
While seasonal depression can be a tough hurdle, remember that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. By embracing the season and actively engaging in self-care, you can find ways to navigate these colder months with resilience and hope. Embrace your journey, and take it one day at a time.
Understanding Seasonal Depression: Shedding Light on a Common Struggle
Let’s delve into what seasonal depression is, its symptoms, potential causes, and effective coping strategies.
Seasonal Depression - Part I
As the leaves change color and daylight dwindles, many people experience a shift in their mood that can sometimes feel overwhelming. This phenomenon, known as seasonal depression or Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), affects millions each year. Let’s delve into what seasonal depression is, its symptoms, potential causes, and effective coping strategies.
What is Seasonal Depression?
Seasonal Affective Disorder is a type of depression that occurs at specific times of the year, typically during the fall and winter months. It’s characterized by recurring episodes of depression that often lift during the spring and summer. While it can affect anyone, it’s more common in areas with long, dark winters.
Symptoms of Seasonal Depression
The symptoms of SAD can vary from person to person but commonly include:
- Social withdrawal: A tendency to isolate or pull away from social activities is common.
- Low energy and fatigue: Many people feel unusually tired and lethargic.
- Mood changes: Feelings of sadness, irritability, or anxiety may be more pronounced.
- Changes in sleep patterns: This might manifest as oversleeping, difficulty waking up, or even frequent awakening during the night.
- Changes in appetite: Some may crave carbohydrates and experience weight gain, while others may lose their appetite.
- Difficulty concentrating: You might find it harder to focus on tasks.
Potential Causes
While the exact cause of seasonal depression isn’t fully understood, several factors may include:
- Reduced sunlight: The decrease in natural light can disrupt your body’s internal clock and affect mood-regulating neurotransmitters like serotonin.
- Circadian rhythm changes: Changes in sleep patterns and daily routines during winter months can lead to feelings of depression.
- Genetic predisposition: A family history of depression may increase the risk of developing SAD.
- Other mental health conditions: Individuals with a history of mood disorders may be more susceptible.
Conclusion
Understanding seasonal depression is the first step in addressing its impact on your life. By recognizing the symptoms and exploring coping strategies, you can take proactive steps toward feeling better. Remember, it’s okay to seek help, and you don’t have to navigate this alone. As the seasons change, know that brighter days are ahead.
Attachment Injuries
Attachment injuries refer to the emotional and psychological wounds that can occur within relationships, particularly in the context of attachment theory. Attachment theory, focuses on the emotional bonds and connections individuals form with their caregivers or significant others. These early attachment experiences shape an individual's emotional and relational patterns throughout their life.
Attachment injuries refer to the emotional and psychological wounds that can occur within relationships, particularly in the context of attachment theory. Attachment theory focuses on the emotional bonds and connections individuals form with their caregivers or significant others. These early attachment experiences shape an individual's emotional and relational patterns throughout their life.
Attachment injuries occur when there is a disruption or negative experience in these important relationships. These injuries can arise from various sources, such as neglect, rejection, inconsistent caregiving, or trauma. They can lead to emotional distress, difficulties in forming healthy relationships, and impact an individual's sense of self-worth and trust in others.
Attachment injuries can be categorized into a few different types:
1. Betrayal: When a caregiver or a significant person breaks trust or fails to provide a sense of safety and security. This could be through emotional or physical neglect, abuse, or other forms of mistreatment.
2. Abandonment: When a person feels abandoned or rejected by a caregiver or a loved one. This can happen through physical separation, emotional unavailability, or any other circumstance that makes the individual feel unsupported.
3. Inconsistent Caregiving: When a caregiver's responses are unpredictable or erratic, it can lead to confusion and insecurity in the individual's attachment system. They may struggle to understand what kind of responses to expect from others.
4. Role Reversal or Parentification: In cases where a child is forced to take on a caregiving role for a parent or is excessively relied upon for emotional support, it can lead to an attachment injury as the child's developmental needs are not being met appropriately.
5. Trauma: Experiencing traumatic events within the context of attachment relationships can lead to attachment injuries. Trauma disrupts the sense of safety and can result in emotional wounds.
Attachment injuries can have significant implications for an individual's mental and emotional well-being. They may lead to difficulties in forming and maintaining healthy relationships, low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and other psychological challenges. However, it's important to note that people have the capacity to heal from attachment injuries through therapy, self-awareness, and forming new, healthier relationships that provide opportunities for healing and growth.
Healing from attachment injuries is a complex and individualized process that often requires time, effort, and sometimes professional support. Here are some steps and strategies that can help facilitate healing:
1. Self-Awareness: Recognize and acknowledge the attachment injuries you've experienced. Understanding how these injuries have affected your beliefs, behaviors, and relationships is a crucial first step.
2. Therapy: Seek the support of a trained therapist who specializes in attachment and trauma. Different therapeutic approaches used by CURA therapist are attachment focused to help you navigate the turbulent waters after an attachment injury.
3. Emotional Regulation: Learn healthy ways to manage and regulate your emotions. This might involve mindfulness practices, deep breathing exercises, or grounding techniques that can help you cope with difficult emotions triggered by attachment injuries.
4. Develop Self-Compassion: Cultivate self-compassion and self-kindness. Understand that the wounds you carry are not your fault and treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to a friend.
5. Challenge Negative Beliefs: Work on identifying and challenging any negative beliefs you have about yourself, relationships, and the world. These beliefs often stem from attachment injuries and can perpetuate unhelpful patterns.
6. Boundary Setting: Learn to set healthy boundaries in relationships. This includes recognizing your own needs and limits, and communicating them clearly to others.
7. Build Supportive Relationships: Surround yourself with people who are supportive, understanding, and trustworthy. Building healthy relationships can provide new positive attachment experiences that help in healing.
8. Practice Vulnerability: Gradually practice opening up and sharing your feelings with safe individuals. This can help you build trust and learn that vulnerability doesn't always lead to hurt.
9. Mind-Body Practices: Engage in activities that promote overall well-being, such as regular exercise, yoga, meditation, or other mind-body practices that help regulate the nervous system.
10. Journaling: Write about your thoughts, feelings, and experiences related to attachment injuries. Journaling can provide insights, release emotions, and track your progress over time.
11. Trauma Work: If the attachment injuries are related to traumatic experiences, trauma-focused therapies like Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) can help process and integrate the trauma.
12. Patience: Healing from attachment injuries takes time. Be patient with yourself and acknowledge that progress may come in small steps.
Remember that healing is not a linear process, and setbacks can happen. If you find yourself struggling, don't hesitate to reach out for professional help. A therapist can provide tailored guidance and support based on your unique experiences and needs.
Navigating Difficult Conversations with Care
Navigating Difficult Conversations with Care: Building Stronger Connections.
Navigating Difficult Conversations with Care: Building Stronger Connections
Life is a tapestry woven with a variety of relationships, each requiring delicate care and nurturing. Along this journey, we encounter conversations that are anything but easy—conversations about sensitive topics that have the potential to either deepen our connections or strain them. However, it's crucial to recognize that having hard conversations is an integral part of personal growth and relationship building. In this blog, we'll explore the art of having difficult conversations with care, ensuring that we communicate effectively while preserving the bonds that matter to us.
1. Choose the Right Time and Place
Selecting an appropriate time and setting for a difficult conversation can set the tone for a productive dialogue. Opt for a time when both parties are relatively calm and have the mental space to engage fully. A quiet, private space devoid of distractions can help foster focused and respectful communication.
2. Practice Active Listening
Listening is an underrated skill that can transform the dynamics of a tough conversation. Give the other person your undivided attention, and resist the urge to formulate your response while they're speaking. Active listening communicates empathy and shows that you value their perspective.
3. Empathize and Validate
Before diving into the heart of the matter, acknowledge the other person's feelings and perspective. Express empathy and validate their emotions, even if you don't necessarily agree. This sets the foundation for a more open and compassionate exchange.
4. Use "I" Statements
When discussing your concerns, utilize "I" statements instead of accusatory "you" statements. This shifts the focus from blaming to expressing your feelings and thoughts. For instance, say "I felt hurt when..." instead of "You hurt me when...".
5. Stay Calm and Grounded
Difficult conversations can be emotionally charged, so it's essential to manage your emotions and stay grounded. Take deep breaths, maintain steady eye contact, and adopt a composed posture. This can help prevent the conversation from escalating into an argument.
6. Be Honest and Direct
While gentleness is vital, avoid sugarcoating or evading the core issue. Being honest and direct shows respect for the other person's ability to handle the truth. Be clear about what you want to convey without being unnecessarily harsh.
7. Offer Solutions and Collaborate
Instead of dwelling on the problem, steer the conversation towards finding solutions together. This collaborative approach demonstrates your commitment to improving the situation and preserves the sense of unity in the relationship.
8. Pause and Reflect
If the conversation becomes heated or overwhelming, it's okay to take a break. Let both parties step away, cool off, and then come back to the discussion with a clearer perspective. Use this time to reflect on what's been said and how you can communicate more effectively.
9. End on a Positive Note
As you wrap up the conversation, express gratitude for their willingness to engage in the dialogue. Reiterate your commitment to the relationship and your hope for a positive outcome. Leaving the conversation on a positive note can soften any remaining tension.
Difficult conversations are opportunities for growth, understanding, and ultimately, stronger connections. By approaching these conversations with care, empathy, and effective communication, we can navigate the tricky terrain of sensitive topics while ensuring that our relationships remain intact and flourish. Remember, while these conversations may be challenging, they are also stepping stones toward healthier, more resilient bonds with those who matter most.
It’s Valentine’s Day AGAIN?! A Guide to Spicing Up Your Love Life
its-valentines-day-again
That’s right people. Valentine’s Day is back, yet again, with all of its splendor. You ever feel like you are running out of ways to show your partner you love them? Well, you’re not alone. Keep reading.
Year after year, as the date approaches, you begin to feel the pressure to “out-do” last year’s festivities. Depending on the dynamics of the relationship, this pressure may be placed on either partner. I can only imagine how difficult it may be to put your “creative caps” on, time and time again, to conjure up something new and exciting for your loved one. Not to mention, there are birthdays, anniversaries, and other holidays that require the same, if not more, time and energy .
So, the question becomes, “How can I keep V-Day interesting”? The answer is simple. Don’t participate in it. Totally kidding. I know some of you probably read that and felt a sense of relief. In all seriousness, if it’s easier to not celebrate, and you and your partner agree to not do so, by all means, go forth! You can stop reading right here, but for those of you who indulge in all that the holiday has to to offer, I have some tips for you:
• Think Outside the Box (of chocolates). Valentines Day doesn’t always have to be about giving physical gifts. What is your partner passionate about? If they are passionate about helping others, how about go on a date with them to feed the homeless.
• Mutual Benefit. Instead of the pressure being on one person to perform this grand gesture, how can you and your partner come together to make the experience enjoyable for you both?
• Trade Places. If you are typically the partner on the receiving end of all of the Valentine’s Day regalia, how about switch it up this year and spoil your partner?
• Fantasies Fulfilled. What is your partner’s sexual fantasy? Make it come to life.
I hope I have sparked an idea of some sort in your mind about what you would like to do for V-Day. Trust yourself and that you know what your partner likes. Take a deep breath. You got this. Let the planning commence.
Lyrica Solomon, MFT
Changing the "V" in V-day
Vulnerability and Validation in relationship
It’s February!
Which means there’s something that’s on nearly everyone’s mind- you guessed it! Valentines Day! It’s been the most important day for love for as long as I can remember, and if you’re in a happy relationship, this may be super exciting. Bring on the romance! But what about celebrating Valentine’s Day when you’re in an unhappy relationship? How are you supposed to feel all warm and fuzzy and full of love when you feel like you can hardly even talk to your partner? I could imagine it may be a pretty bleak prospect. When it feels like things are in a rough patch, communication can be one of the first signs of a problem, and there are two aspects in communication that can be particularly challenging when you’re not in a good place— and here’s where our Vs come in! Vulnerability and Validation.
Vulnerability is the state of being open to harm; when we’re talking in terms of communication, it’s emotional vulnerability that’s on the line- and that’s so important! It’s the act of showing our true, deepest selves to our partners, and trusting that even though we’re open, they won’t harm us. It’s sharing those deep-down fears and feelings that are contributing to our actions, and that help others truly understand and accept us. For many, I’m sure this sounds absolutely terrifying. How can you trust your partner not to hurt you, especially if they have so many times before? The key word here is trust- there really is no way to know someone won’t hurt you, you just have to trust that they won’t. And this may be a process that takes a lot of building, and many times the help of a therapist may be necessary. But one thing that can help begin to build trust, is our other “V”— Validation.
Validating what our partners are sharing with us, when they’re displaying vulnerability does a lot to build safety and trust. It says- “I see what you’re saying, and (given the circumstances/ your experiences/ what you’ve shared with me in the past) that makes a lot of sense.” Just that simple phrase, “that makes a lot of sense,” in place of, say- “I have no idea what you’re even talking about!” Or maybe, “if you feel that way, you’re crazy” can do so much! When we take vulnerability and validation together, both offering them to, and accepting them from our partners, it may be enough to begin to let the walls down and open the door for more honest, effective communication, more love and ultimately a closer, safer bond.
So if your V-day is in jeopardy because your communication is off, try employing the new Vs of vulnerability and validation, and see what it can do for your relationship.
Whitney Turner, MFT
Sophisticated Love
Sophisticated love
To prepare to write this blog for the month of love, I found myself looking for what others are saying about love. There is a slew of bloggers posting “the 10 most important things in relationships;” “how do you know its love factors;” “what love means…from a man’s perspective;” and so many other lists with boxes to check so you can determine if your relationship is the “right” one. Everyone has a different take on how to get there, but everyone wants to get there. Many portray the love journey like it’s a race fueled by the desire to have children or check boxes on a to do list; the urgency then creates an unfortunate oversight…it’s a journey, not a race.
The journey for those who take the leap and trust the process is beautiful and long with winding and turning, ups and downs, straight ways and neutral zones during which it seems like very little is happening. The journey-makers enjoy the scenery, express gratitude for the journey and its partners and relish the sweetness of the love. They tend to keep thrive in the simplicity. As a therapist, I have had a few of these couples on my office. They are a therapist’s dream client because they already have experienced the blissful tender sweetness of a shared love, but have simply hit a speed bump of sorts and need help getting their bearings back. It is my belief that these couples hold the real answer to the question: What is sophisticated love?
In an effort to not create another list of “what to do to make your relationship work,” with caution, I want to share what I have noticed about these couples.
Sophisticated love tends to include most of these observations, most of the time but rarely all of them, all of the time. To be clear, these couples are flawed. They hurt both individually and at times each other. They may argue inappropriately and are late for the important stuff and they work too much and have a gang of active children. Life happens to them in the same way life happens for the masses and yet they still have each other. (The hopeless romantic in me just sighed, smiled and teared up!) Love is so sweet.
What I have seen working with sophisticated partners in couple relationships is an acceptance for the other. No matter what the partner is bringing to the table that day, there is acceptance that the experience that is driving that reaction or response is genuine and not tainted by some erroneous desire to harm him/her in some way. My take on this: I know you love me so I don’t have to worry that you’re trying to hurt me. I will first give the benefit of the doubt.
Real life example: During a previous conversation, one partner was talking about how she perceived a professional certification could be beneficial for her partner who wanted to do this new training. Her statements confused him because it didn’t line up with how he experienced her up to that point. Instead of creating meaning about what she could possibly mean or deciding that what he heard was fact, he asked her later what she meant. He offered the benefit of the doubt! It sounds so simple doesn’t it?
Benefit of the doubt is evidence of another necessary element for sophisticated relationships: emotional trust. It’s the sense that each partner wants to be and will try to do what’s best for the collective: the relationship and each partner in it. The actions of each partner are believed to have positive and supportive motive. In sophisticated relationships, the partners try to listen without defensive but rather with care and understanding more times than not. Couples who do this seem to be more connected and less guarded with each other.
The last element that I notice in my work with couples is lack of a defensive posture. Any version of defensiveness can cut like a dagger in a relationship. If not directly addressed, the messages of defensiveness still linger long after the couple may have resolved the conflict. The guarded stance shows up as cues that the relationship is not stable for the partner who sees/feels it which the can further perpetuate the sense of insecurity. With insecurity, each partner questions the motive of the other, which interferes with the ability to offer the second quality of sophisticated relationships: offering the benefit of the doubt.
Couples who can discuss the tough stuff even when it’s hard or believed to be hurtful fare better in the long run. When I say discuss, I am referring talking softer with emotionally tender tones, offering the hurt feelings before the anger feelings. Everyone has heard the saying: it’s not what you say, but rather how you say it. Couples who want to create emotionally tenderness speak to each other with tenderness while looking directly into each other’s eyes. (Gosh, those moments make my heart burst!) If you can talk about the stuff that really matters to you with your partner, even when there is hesitation then you have real possibility to stand in love! A sophisticated love.
Now certainly, none of what I have said guarantees the dreamy relationship you see in social media (they aren’t posting the ugly stuff), but geez it’s a simple start to a sweet and simple love that feels soooo good!
***Please do not confuse simple with easy. Simple means uncomplicated. Simple ain’t easy.
Crystal Gillery, LMFT
Photo by Julian Myles on Unsplash
Focusing On Your Partner’s Love Language on Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day Partner’s Love
One of the most anticipated days of the year is finally here!Valentine’s Day! Although love should be expressed to our loved ones throughout the year, Valentine’s day provides everyone a chance to step out of there busy lives to consciously show affection to the people they care about. However, if you are like many others you might be unsure on what to do for your Valentine which can be very stressful. But don’t worry, I have the perfect solution for you. Show your partner affection by using their love language!
If you are unfamiliar with Gary Chapman, The Five Love Language, it describes different ways people receive love. The Five Love languages are designed to help us pay more attention to our partner. In that, we figure out how they like to be treated so we can consciously express affection and support in a way that makes our partner feel loved. Below is the list of the five love languages and some ideas to help you plan valentine’s day using the five love languages.
• Physical Touch- hugging, kissing, back rubs, and hand-holding
• Acts of Service-going out of your way to do something for someone especially when it’s a sacrifice
• Words of Affirmation-praise and affection both private and public
• Quality Time-giving undivided attention and being present
• Receiving Gifts-giving gifts that are thoughtful and special
If you don’t know your love language or your Valentine, Take the quiz right here! https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/ The results should make planning valentine’s day much easier.
Physical Touch
Is your partner someone who loves physical touch? Buy a Groupon for a couple’s massage or give your own personalmassage. How about a morning cuddle before work? You can also go dancing and if your partner doesn’t like dancing then if you are up for it do a little dance for him/her.
Acts of Service
Engage in thoughtful gestures aimed to ease some of the burden off your valentine such as taking out the trash, filling up their gas tank, taking their car to get detailed/cleaned, or make a home cooked breakfast or dinner.
Quality Time
What is a better way to give your Valentine your undivided attention then to engage in a weekend away together, engage inwine tasting or have a stay-cation with indoor activities (games, movies, questions)
Words of Affirmation
Those who love language is words of affirmation want to know why they are special to you. So why not send a memoji to remind them how much they mean to you. Place a note in their lunch telling them how amazing they are. Write a poem expressing your love and appreciation
Gift Giving
If your valentine’s love language is gift giving, then it is important to know it’s about the thoughtfulness and effort behind the gift. Try these suggestions! Gift a blanket or pillow with a picture collage of memories, gift something special that supports their dream/ career, and/or gift their favorite dessert/candy.
I hope this helps you plan a wonderful Valentine date!
Tiana Teague, MFT
Black Love…Everyday
Happy Valentine’s Day!! February is in full swing and we at CURA want to celebrate Black History Month and Valentine’s Day with a quick note about Black Love.
Black couples experience unique cultural and social dynamic that contribute to the way they experience their relationship. To celebrate them is to acknowledge the additional struggles that can add stressors to their relationship.
Representation is a key component in resilience. We are loving the increase in positive images and authentic stories from black couples themselves. The new movie, The Photograph (in theaters today), is one example. Though it’s a movie, the purpose (from Issa Rae herself) is to present black couples in the positive light they deserve. To have a mainstream movie center the development of a black couple is incredibly empowering.
As relationships therapists, we find it incredibly important to be culturally responsive to the needs of our clients. We encourage black couples to practice emotional vulnerability, unconditional support, and authentic expression to face sociocultural oppression. Sometimes you may only have each other and, with a little work and a lot of love, that’s enough!
Cheers to black love today and every day!!
Carla Smith PhD, LCSW, LMFT
Strength in Rain
So you made it through the cruel winter…
What scars do you have to show for it?
How much of your good sense is intact?
What pieces are left, broken as they may be?
Praise for springtime day break.
The heavens open up to rinse away the blood, sweat, and tears that you’ve undoubtedly shed through the cold.
To clean you up.
To prepare you for the next battle.
But are you inside watching the rain fall because you are too wounded from the fight?
Are you missing your opportunity for healing?
Are you forgetting that there is wisdom planted in you needing watering?
Let the rain be your renewal.
Let your pain be the catalyst to your growth.
I have seen forests grow from a single tear
because of the bravery to face the thunder.
Let your mind restore and repair.
There is no judgement here.
Just a chair and dead air….a space for you to be bare.