Sophisticated Love

To prepare to write this blog for the month of love, I found myself looking for what others are saying about love. There is a slew of bloggers posting “the 10 most important things in relationships;” “how do you know its love factors;” “what love means…from a man’s perspective;” and so many other lists with boxes to check so you can determine if your relationship is the “right” one.  Everyone has a different take on how to get there, but everyone wants to get there. Many portray the love journey like it’s a race fueled by the desire to have children or check boxes on a to do list; the urgency then creates an unfortunate oversight…it’s a journey, not a race.

 The journey for those who take the leap and trust the process is beautiful and long with winding and turning, ups and downs, straight ways and neutral zones during which it seems like very little is happening. The journey-makers enjoy the scenery, express gratitude for the journey and its partners and relish the sweetness of the love.  They tend to keep thrive in the simplicity. As a therapist, I have had a few of these couples on my office.  They are a therapist’s dream client because they already have experienced the blissful tender sweetness of a shared love, but have simply hit a speed bump of sorts and need help getting their bearings back.  It is my belief that these couples hold the real answer to the question: What is sophisticated love?

In an effort to not create another list of “what to do to make your relationship work,” with caution, I want to share what I have noticed about these couples.

Sophisticated love tends to include most of these observations, most of the time but rarely all of them, all of the time. To be clear, these couples are flawed.  They hurt both individually and at times each other. They may argue inappropriately and are late for the important stuff and they work too much and have a gang of active children. Life happens to them in the same way life happens for the masses and yet they still have each other.  (The hopeless romantic in me just sighed, smiled and teared up!) Love is so sweet.

What I have seen working with sophisticated partners in couple relationships is an acceptance for the other. No matter what the partner is bringing to the table that day, there is acceptance that the experience that is driving that reaction or response is genuine and not tainted by some erroneous desire to harm him/her in some way.  My take on this: I know you love me so I don’t have to worry that you’re trying to hurt me. I will first give the benefit of the doubt. 

Real life example: During a previous conversation, one partner was talking about how she perceived a professional certification could be beneficial for her partner who wanted to do this new training. Her statements confused him because it didn’t line up with how he experienced her up to that point. Instead of creating meaning about what she could possibly mean or deciding that what he heard was fact, he asked her later what she meant. He offered the benefit of the doubt! It sounds so simple doesn’t it?

Benefit of the doubt is evidence of another necessary element for sophisticated relationships: emotional trust. It’s the sense that each partner wants to be and will try to do what’s best for the collective: the relationship and each partner in it. The actions of each partner are believed to have positive and supportive motive.  In sophisticated relationships, the partners try to listen without defensive but rather with care and understanding more times than not.  Couples who do this seem to be more connected and less guarded with each other.

 The last element that I notice in my work with couples is lack of a defensive posture. Any version of defensiveness can cut like a dagger in a relationship. If not directly addressed, the messages of defensiveness still linger long after the couple may have resolved the conflict. The guarded stance shows up as cues that the relationship is not stable for the partner who sees/feels it which the can further perpetuate the sense of insecurity.  With insecurity, each partner questions the motive of the other, which interferes with the ability to offer the second quality of sophisticated relationships: offering the benefit of the doubt.

 Couples who can discuss the tough stuff even when it’s hard or believed to be hurtful fare better in the long run.  When I say discuss, I am referring talking softer with emotionally tender tones, offering the hurt feelings before the anger feelings.  Everyone has heard the saying: it’s not what you say, but rather how you say it. Couples who want to create emotionally tenderness speak to each other with tenderness while looking directly into each other’s eyes.  (Gosh, those moments make my heart burst!)  If you can talk about the stuff that really matters to you with your partner, even when there is hesitation then you have real possibility to stand in love! A sophisticated love. 

 Now certainly, none of what I have said guarantees the dreamy relationship you see in social media (they aren’t posting the ugly stuff), but geez it’s a simple start to a sweet and simple love that feels soooo good!

 ***Please do not confuse simple with easy. Simple means uncomplicated. Simple ain’t easy. 

Crystal Gillery, LMFT

Photo by Julian Myles on Unsplash