Prosper In The Pandemic…How?
Happy New Year folks! I hope 2022 has been off to a great start for you. To be honest, I had a little trouble figuring out what to say for the first blog of the year. I didn’t want to hit y’all with the cliche “new year, new me” proclamation or prompt you to list your ‘infamous’ new year’s resolutions. I want you to read this and immediately take action!
Let’s jump right in! I want to talk to you about how to prosper in the pandemic! When you read “prosper” what’s the first thing that comes to mind? ….Money, wealth, ownership? Even though material and monetary gain is valued by everyone to some degree, I want to draw your attention to something even more valuable, “mental clarity”. I heard someone say, we go to the next level “headfirst”. You can’t fully prosper in any area of your life without first having clarity.
I want to help you develop your prosperity plan. So where is it that you need to get clear?! Grab a pen and paper and carefully answer the questions below:
1.) ( Focus) Identify ONE area in your life in which you want to experience growth. (e.g., Personal life, professional life, relationship, physical health, mental health).
2.) (Visualize) Close your eyes and imagine what it will be like when you’ve achieved growth in this area. (e.g., What will you be saying and doing differently, how will you feel, what will others notice about you?)
3.) ( Clarify your “Why”) How will growing in this area bring you more joy, peace, or happiness?
4.) (How) What is your strategy/plan for what you know it’ll take to get you there? (e.g., write this step-by-step)
5.) (Hurdles) What are your growth blockers? (E.g., People, social media, laziness)
6.) ( Community/Tools) Who or what can you use for accountability? ( e.g., friends, colleagues, calendars, sticky notes)
7.) (Evaluate) Determine how you’re going to monitor your progress (e.g., check points, growth markers)
8.) Execute!!!
Congratulations! You’ve just developed your first prosperity plan! I would love to hear how well this strategy worked for you!
3 Things to Clean this Spring
Let’s be real spring is a yearly occurrence yet we are often unprepared. Spring cleaning is meant to prepare space and the acceptance for the new. As you prepare to set your clocks forward this weekend, here are some tips to make sure you don’t miss that hour…
Cleaning your Body - more and more doctors are stressing the importance of gut health (https://time.com/5556071/gut-health-diet/). What you consume for sustance has an influential impact in how you feel physically, emotionally and mentally. Try adding a daily probiotic to help balance good bacteria. Be mindful of what’s on your plate; limit simple carbs (https://www.healthline.com/health/food-nutrition/simple-carbohydrates-complex-carbohydrates#complex-carbs). Up your water intake to help your body’s filters; good measure to start is (0.66 x body weight = water intake in ounces). Increasing your green intake (vegetables) helps make sure you’re getting necessary minerals and vitamins and try adding a quality multivitamin to fill in the gaps.
Cleaning your Media - there has been so much going on and you may find it easier to get lost in another world. Whether that be celebrity gossip, cat videos, or Euphoria it is extremely important to be intentional about the content you consume. Things that we ingest visually are just as important as things we ingest physically. Try not binging television shows that are considered dark or suspenseful; try limiting how much time you spend in one genre. Limit screen time overall to allow for time spending time engaging in other forms of self-care. Unfollow accounts on social media that cause negative thoughts or don’t add value to your mental health.
Cleaning your Energy - there have been quite a few memes going around during the pandemic about how often we should be checking on our friends. This spring I’d highly recommend taking note of the friends that take more of your energy than they replenish rather than who you’ve spoken to the least. There doesn’t have to be a chopping list but friendships play a part in the overall trend of mental health. If you don’t feel appreciated, you’ll wear yourself out trying to prove that you are worthy. If you don’t have a safe space to process your feelings, you’ll spiral more often into negative thoughts. Try asking friends how your relationship can be more balanced. You could also pay more attention to how much you overextend yourself and begin implementing boundaries with clear parameters.
Have you thought about any of the tips above? Share your thoughts or other tips for spring cleaning!
Written by: Rochelle Marecheau, LMFT
April Showers Bring May Flowers
No, this is not a horticulture lesson, but it is a quick chat about growing and blossoming through our pain. Our tears are like rain…sometimes the worst storms bring about the most beautiful blooms.
I felt compelled to share this blog after frequently hearing clients make statements such as, “I don’t cry,” “I don’t like to cry” or “Crying makes me weak.” Sigh…allow me to take a deep breath. Something as natural as crying has been villainized and deemed as unnecessary. Releasing tears to express our pain is a cleansing process. It allows us to self-soothe and move towards a positive mood. So, when we stifle our tears, we are slowing the process of relieving the anguish we are experiencing.
In the same vein, tears are a great way to express overwhelming joy. For example, that gush of tears that flow when hearing someone profess their love and affection for you cannot be avoided by most individuals. In that moment, you are connecting soul to soul and the best way to experience it is through a good gut-wrenching cry.
When we allow the tears to well up and flow, most times it’s hard to stop them. The experience is like an amazing floodgate. Once we are on the other side of the tears, we can begin the process of healing even if the circumstances that upset us have not changed. A good cry can leave us feeling cleansed and at peace.
So, the next time you feel the urge to shed tears, go for it.
· Hear a sad love song that reminds you of a lost love – SHED A TEAR
· Hear a love song that reminds you that you are in love - SHED A TEAR
· Death of a loved one - SHED A TEAR
· Birth of a child - SHED A TEAR
· Get laid off – SHED A TEAR
· Accept a job offer you’ve always wanted - SHED A TEAR
· Feeling overwhelmed by life - SHED A TEAR
· Just bought your first home - SHED A TEAR
If you are in a season of April showers, be kind to yourself and look forward to a beautiful bloom of May flowers.
Yvon Roland, LPC
Hello Summer…And A Mid-Year Goal Check-In
Alright Y’all, July is here! Which means that it is officially Summertime. A time some would say is heavily dedicated to being outside soaking up some Vitamin D, going to the pool, having a cookout, going on vacation, and most certainly a time to re-valuate and check-in with our goals for the year. Yeah, you heard me right! June marks the halfway point of the year, which means that this is the best time to self-reflect and check-in to see how we’re doing with our goals we have set for 2022. Since it’s been about six months since we welcomed the New Year, if you haven’t already, now is the time to ask yourself some important questions as it relates to how you might be doing with your goals, assess for any changes that need to be made, or to possibly set new goals for yourself. I’ve found that evaluating these goals can also serve as motivation to help you either stay on, or to get back on track with certain goals you might have set. Plus it allows for you to spend some time sitting with yourself and assessing where you might be mentally, emotionally, and physically on any journey that you might be on this year.
One of the intentions I set for myself to help evaluate my goals for this year was to indulge in some self-care and take myself on a solo-date where I can have some time to journal and complete a mid-year 2022 check-in with myself. Here are some questions to help get you started with your Mid-Year Check-In!
Mid-Year Check-In Questions:
1. How am I feeling about myself so far this year?
2. If I could use 3 words to describe how 2022 has gone so far, which words would I pick and why?
3. Which goals have I accomplished so far? (Be sure to give yourself some kudos and praise for accomplishing these great things, no matter how big or small the goal is)
4. Which goals have I not been able to accomplish yet and why might I think that is?
5. Are there any goals that you I find myself struggling with? What might be getting in the way? What can be done differently to tackle these more challenging goals?
6. Are there any new goals that I want to add?
7. What lessons have I learned so far this year?
8. What new things have I learned about yourself?
9. Do I have enough physical and emotional support from others to help accomplish my goals? (If the answer to this is no, make sure that you check-in with your people and lean on your support system for help. That’s what they’re here for! If you don’t have one, seek out support in therapy as a starting point)
10. Have I been putting in as much effort as I can to accomplish my goals? Why or why not?
11. How can I better prioritize my mental health for the remainder of the year?
I wish you the best of luck finishing this year out and I’m proud of you for all of your hard work and dedication by simply trying and giving it your best. Have an amazing and incredibly fun Summer!
Photo By: Ethan Robertson
Written By: Kendall Davis, LAMFT
Follow my Mental Health IG @candortherapycare for more tips and helpful insight
hanging on for love
Recently, I read an Instagram post that said, “loving a person with disorganized attachment requires patience”. I was struck by the truth in this statement, but also by what was missing. Let me explain more about attachment, the different attachment strategies, and a little bit of how the strategies can show up in adult relationships, then I’ll offer my thoughts on the other part.
In childhood, attachment refers to the connection between caregivers and baby. The baby has needs like food, warmth, shelter, safety, and care; ideally, the caregivers provide for the needs. When it goes well, the child experiences a “safe haven” from which to launch exploration and to which to return. Toddlers will run to a caregiver who is safe for a hug, then run off to explore new things, knowing that their “person” will be there when needed for another hug.
When a child does not get the “safe haven” experience with caregivers (or at least with someone), mistrust and uncertainty can develop. This child can have a much harder time with exploration. Possibly by not exploring at all and ignoring or pushing down the desire or need for the exploration which can become scary. Children can also become clingy because the anxiety around people leaving is so overwhelming that it can become intolerable to even think about someone leaving them, because that is what has been the most common experience for them. Another possibility for how an emotionally unsafe childhood environment can show up is the belief that “I don’t need anyone” develops. Other people need people, all I have is me. I will be “fine”. And other children, will have some version of many strategies which can be confusing to both them and others. The fear of being close and the fear of being separate can be overwhelming. This last strategy is called Disorganized or Fearful Avoidant. It is the strategy that creates many challenges when a loved one is trying to navigate, and it requires so much patience as well as a strong sense of your own security.
Attachment was originally believed to only refer to the bond between mother and child. That bond was later learned to be with the other parent and family members. We now know that these initial relationships shape how we connect with others throughout the lifespan. So when the child who didn’t have the “safe haven” experience grows up; the adult likely will difficulty finding and trusting that in romantic relationships as well as friendships. Mistrust of people can be the only consistent emotion felt with other people. Avoiding connection can become a defense mechanism because if we don’t get close, you can’t hurt me. People generally are experienced as unsafe. The people who were tasked to love and care for them through typical biological channels (between mother/father and child) didn’t seem to do it; why would there be the expectation that some person they just met will meet their needs? Makes so much sense, right?!?
An important incongruity to the belief that a person doesn’t need the “safe haven” like when a person forces it down to numb it or the person is ‘good’ all by him/herself is that as humans, we were created to be in connection with others. We are literally born looking to others to take care of us. Then how the care looks and feels determines what we expect later from other folks. It’s all tied together. Much of the turmoil when people who have little experience with a “safe haven” try to have relationships comes from a lack of positive experience with loving others. The positivity feels good and that can be uncomfortable which can elicit the instinct to sabotage or end the relationship, sometimes without warning. This is where the patience must be very present for the relationship partner.
The part that feels missing in the earlier mentioned IG post is the relationship partner must also be secure. This is super important! Without their own “safe haven,” the partner may engage in their own fears about others which can lead to high conflict relationships or avoidance which can lead to the end of the relationship. These days the trendy term for chaotic relationships has been ‘trauma bonding.’ Two people with significant unresolved trauma trying to create safety when no one really knows what that is. Of course, I don’t suggest that relationships between two people with trauma can not work. They do when there is effort to work towards connection versus prove that you won’t hurt me. The proof, in many cases, can never be felt enough resulting in feeling even less connected, less comforted, and less loved. It then become a self-fulfilling prophesy: see, I told you, you wouldn’t be there for me. The partner gets labeled as not giving the person emotional safety, when what happened is the openness and vulnerability necessary to get what was wanted, was never offered.
I suppose the point of this article is to both validate the person who clearly is navigating turbulent waters and the person who loves them. It’s all hard. Everyone is just trying to hang on.
when the news becomes too much
As we close out Mental Health Awareness Month, I found it fitting to address the importance of taking care of our mental health while living through traumatic news events. With the recent mass shootings in Buffalo and Texas, it is very likely that you may have been triggered and struggling to care for yourself while consuming so much gut-wrenching information from the media. These events are not only anxiety provoking but can also lead us down a road of oversaturation and worry as we think of those involved as well as our own fears not only for ourselves, but also our loved ones. Here are a few self-care tips for when the news just becomes too much for us mentally:
Find Support
Whether it is a friend, family, or therapist, it is very essential to find a safe space where you can express yourself and process feelings that may come up when traumatic events hit the news. Having a supportive community is extremely beneficial to our mental health and overall relationships.
Manage your Social Media Consumption
When bad news emerges, it’s so tempting to want to stay connected and up to date on what’s occurring but it’s important that you give yourself a break. This can be done by limiting your time on social media to avoid overconsumption and flooding yourself with information that may take a toll on your overall mental health.
Practice Self-Care
Make sure that you are balancing your consumption of the news with self-care activities to reduce the risk of news overload. Taking a walk, journaling, watching your favorite tv show, or trying something new, are a few examples of self-care activities that can be helpful when you need to detach and take time for yourself.
Let us keep all of those affected by these horrific events in our thoughts and prayers and remember to take care of ourselves during this time.
For additional support, please contact your CURA therapist.
black history is black love
On today, the last day of the month in which we celebrate Black History and Love, I am reminded of the significance of both in my therapy practice. Many of my clients seek therapy with me specifically because of a sensed unique, unspoken understanding of what is the Black-in-America life experience and how that influences our development, socialization and interpersonal relationships.
The residue of generational trauma, deeply rooted in the enslavement and perpetual, systematic disenfranchisement of our ancestors, is intrinsically woven into our own present-day experiences of disconnection from ourselves, from a sense of belonging and from each other. During the period of enslavement, Black people were subjected to torture of mind, body and spirit and the physical separation and destruction of the Black family unit. Nearly two centuries since the Emancipation Proclamation, Black people in America continue to be subject to the degradation of mind, body and spirit in the form of social profiling, police brutality, economic marginalization, mass incarceration, the perpetuation of the insidious myth of the hypersexualized and/or “Strong Black Woman” pitted against the “shiftless, criminal-minded” Black man.
Yet people continue to show up in my space pleading for help reconnecting to Love. The Love they seek is Love for themselves, Love for their partners, Love for family, Love for this life.
The truth is, Black History does not begin nor end with the kidnapping and enslavement of African people. Our Black History and Black Future, begin with Love. We get there by recalling from our ancestors the Love that built Black families, hundreds of years ago. It is the Love of our ancestors that built civilizations; that Love is the backbone of America, the backdrop of us reclaiming our freedom and what has sustained our people into the 21st century. Love is the anchor. Treating ourselves with gentleness and compassion is an act of Love. Understanding that we as individuals are in a constant state of healing, evolving and growing and using that understanding to offer grace to one another is an act of Love. Providing a safe space for our partners in their journey of healing is an act of Love. Believing the best in each other, FIRST, is an act of Love. Choosing to embrace our uniqueness and that of others, is an act of Love. Love should be the default in all our interactions with ourselves and the people closest to us. Love IS our history and it IS our future. Above all else, LOVE.
by Dawn Swiney, MPA, LMFT