Supporting Your Partner Through Holiday Grief - Part One
The holiday season is often synonymous with joy, connection, and celebration. For many, it’s a time to share warmth and make lasting memories with loved ones. However, for someone grieving—whether due to the loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or any other significant loss—the holidays can be a painful reminder of what’s missing. The emotional weight of grief can feel especially heavy during this time, and as a partner, you may feel unsure about how to help, what to say, or how to be supportive without overwhelming them further.
In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we understand that emotions are central to how people connect, heal, and grow. Grief is an emotional experience that can deeply impact relationships, especially romantic ones. The key to helping your partner through holiday grief is to be present with them emotionally, to understand their emotional needs, and to create a safe, compassionate space where they can experience and process their feelings.
Create a Safe Emotional Space for Vulnerability
Grief often brings up raw, vulnerable emotions. It’s not uncommon for someone who is grieving to experience a wide range of feelings: sadness, anger, fear, guilt, or even numbness. During the holidays, these emotions can become more intense. For someone who is mourning, there can be a deep longing for what has been lost, and that longing might be difficult to express.
As a partner, one of the most important things you can do is create a **safe emotional space** for your loved one. This means being present and available for your partner’s emotions without judgment, criticism, or trying to “fix” their pain. It’s about allowing them to feel whatever they’re feeling and assuring them that it’s okay to be vulnerable with you.
You might say:
- "I can see how much this hurts, and I want you to know that I’m here with you, no matter what you’re feeling."
- "If you need to cry or just sit in silence, I’m right here. You don’t have to hold anything back."
- "I can’t take your pain away, but I’m here to share it with you."
Emotional responsiveness is key—being attuned to your partner’s emotions and responding with care and empathy. When you respond in ways that honor and validate their grief, it fosters emotional safety and deepens the bond between you.
Tune In to Their Emotional Needs
Grief is an intensely emotional experience, and everyone processes it in their own way. Some people may want to talk about their loss and share memories, while others may retreat inwardly and need space. It’s important to tune into your partner’s emotional needs, both in the moment and over time.
We talk about the importance of emotional attunement—being in tune with your partner’s emotional states and needs. This means not only recognizing when they are struggling but also understanding how they may want to be supported. Sometimes, grief doesn’t look like sadness. It can show up as irritability, withdrawal, or even a desire to avoid certain holiday activities. Understanding that your partner’s grief may take many forms will help you respond in ways that feel helpful rather than overwhelming.
You might ask:
- "I know this time of year is tough. Do you want to talk about it, or would you prefer some quiet time together?"
- "I’m noticing that you seem a little overwhelmed. How can I help make this easier for you right now?"
- "Would you like to share some memories of [loved one], or would it feel better to take a break from the holiday talk?"
By engaging in emotionally focused listening, where you listen deeply to not just the words but the feelings behind them, you create a space where your partner’s emotional needs are met without the need for them to express everything explicitly. This builds emotional trust and connection.
Validate Their Grief and Emotions
Grief can be an isolating experience. When someone is grieving, they may feel misunderstood, or they may be unsure if their feelings are “acceptable” or “appropriate” during the holidays. As a partner, one of the most important things you can do is validate their emotions. This means acknowledging their pain without judgment or trying to minimize it.
Validation is a core element of emotional support. Validation doesn’t mean agreeing with everything your partner says, but it does mean showing that you understand their emotional experience and that their feelings are normal and justified. Validation helps your partner feel seen and heard in a way that encourages emotional expression and healing.
You can validate their grief by saying:
- "It makes sense that you’re feeling so sad. The holidays have always been a time to share memories, and this year is different."
- "I can only imagine how much you miss [name]. It’s okay to feel this way, and it’s okay if it takes time to heal."
- "I see how hard this is for you. I’m not going to rush you through it, and I’m here as long as you need me."
Validation fosters emotional closeness. When you validate your partner’s grief, you are letting them know that their feelings are part of their shared human experience and that they’re not alone.
Check back later this week for more tips for supporting your partner through holiday grief!