Growing Pains
Growing pains. This is one of those sayings that we use, but seldom think about what it actually means. Most often used in the context of growing physically, the weight of this sentiment gets overlooked. However, as human beings, we not only grow physically, but we grow spiritually, mentally, emotionally, etc. How have you experienced growing pains in other areas of your life? How do you approach the areas in your life where you are growing?
Let’s take a flower for example. There is a process of growth that the seed has to go through in order to reach its true form as a flower.
The Planting
The first step in starting the process of growing a plant is to put it underneath the dirt. The seed has to be in an environment that is conducive of its growth. This is how the process begins. This “burial” of the seed is necessary to get to its final form.
Is your environment allowing you to grow or do you need to change your environment? In what ways in your life do you feel like you’ve been buried? Are there times where you feel like it is just too dark and you cannot find your way?
Well, maybe, just possibly, this is the start of your growth journey.
The Rooting
The next step is triggered by the seed receiving the water that it needs. Once the seed is watered, it takes root to access the water that is underground.
When you find yourself feeling buried or in a dark place, it is necessary to make sure you are being watered. What people/places/things are pouring into you? Are you in places where you are void of a water source?
The Sprouting
Once the seed receives the water that it needs, it begins to sprout from underneath the ground. Once it breaks through the surface of the ground, the plant grows from the source of sunlight by receiving energy through its leaves. The plant sustains it’s growth by staying connected to its power source, the sun.
What is your power source? What empowers you to do what you do? What keeps you going everyday and are you connected to it?
I write this to encourage all of you who may be feeling growing pains right now. I write this to tell you to get in the right environment and to make sure you are being watered and that you have enough sunlight! Growing pains are all a part of the process. Embrace them.
A Season for Refreshing
As Spring approaches, my mind is flooded with imagery of fresh green newness! Thoughts of earth replenishing herself are invoked, and if you’re anything like me, you may also be thinking about replenishing and refreshing your own life. As the short, cold days of Winter give way to the bright warming light of Spring, I often find myself anxious to mirror this shift in my own day-to-day experience. Spring cleaning — you know, that week or so you take to clean out your closets, scrub the baseboards (yeah, right!) and open the windows — is a tried-and-true example of appropriating that seasonal shift to give ourselves the experience of newness. So I started wondering: how can I do some “spring cleaning” not just in my home, but in my life?
The first thing that came to my mind was taking an assessment of my current routines and habits, weeding out what doesn’t work anymore and looking for places to introduce more of what serves me in this season of my life. For me, this is where my nighttime, skin care and workout routines come under scrutiny. Ubiquitous as they may be in today’s world of wellness and influencing, they can truly be a demonstration of caring for yourself and setting yourself up for consistency, stability and health.
Taking an account of my current mental and emotional landscape was another key— what old mindsets and patterns of reaction am I holding onto from old seasons? Do I need to introduce a therapist for some help? Maybe; and maybe you do, too. And that’s so okay! The plants may not need assistance in shedding what’s old and sprouting what’s new, but sometimes we do.
Finally, I worked on discovering what truly replenishes my soul; looking for those true self-care things, not just pedicures and bubble baths (although for me, baths truly are rejuvenating). Keeping up with consistent Spiritual practices, spending quality time with a close person— not just empty social interaction— are some examples I value in my life. Find what touches the weariness in your soul and build ritual around that.
The newness of Spring need not be relegated to nature. We can appropriate the same idea to make sure we’re keeping up with the changes and evolution in our life, and meeting ourselves where we are. Spring is a season of refreshing, so let’s commit to refreshing ourselves this month and beyond!
Whitney Turner, MFT
Grateful to....You
How many times have you heard, “be grateful for what you have” or “show your gratitude” in reference to others and things?
How often do you show gratitude to yourself and acknowledge your strength, courage, resilience, etc.?
I know it sounds self-absorbed but it is a practice in self-love. We often compliment others and show gratitude to others, and we need to have the same practices towards ourselves (especially if you are someone who engages in negative self-talk more often than you’d care to admit).
Here are a few ways to start showing yourself gratitude:
Write down at least 10 things that you appreciate about yourself
Say thank you to yourself when you use your positive coping skills over negative ones
Acknowledge the ways you gave yourself what you needed at the end of the day
Journal about the ways you’ve motivated yourself over time
Create an accomplishment board where you can visually see the many things you’ve accomplished
Try some out for about a week and let me know in the comments how you felt after!
Written by Rochelle Marecheau, LMFT
Celebrating the Good
It’s finally November, which means nice Fall weather, leaves changing, preparing for Thanksgiving (safely), and possibly gathering around the table with family and loved ones reflecting on what we’re grateful for.
To me, gratefulness is a lot more than showing appreciation or stating what we’re thankful for during the holidays, but it’s a powerful emotion that we experience whenever we recognize something good that’s impacted us. It’s taking the time to reflect on how we’ve been positively impacted and acknowledging the good in our lives, and possibly even celebrating it in some way, whether it’s by smiling to ourselves or sharing it with others.
With all of the heaviness this year has brought us, take some time to reflect on what you’re grateful for and the good you’ve experienced in 2020. Taking the time to reflect on what we’re grateful for and practicing daily gratitude can be essential for our mental health. Try asking yourself these questions:
How have I been positively impacted this year?
What is something that happened unexpectedly that made you feel euphoric?
What are you fortunate for?
Written by Kendall Davis, MFT
Photo from Kiy Turk
Reflecting Forward: A Journal Prompt
You may be wondering…what in the world does reflecting forward mean?
I usually ask my clients some variation of “if your life could look the way you want, what would change today?” Sometimes there is a well thought out answer, often times there is silence. At the end of the year, resolutions usually take the focus with reflections following behind as an example of what not to do; however, reflections—especially self-reflections—do not always have to mean looking backward in time, sometimes looking forward provides insight into what’s next for your journey.
I’d like for you to try this journal prompt instead of writing bullet point resolutions.
You are going to start off by dating the letter December 31, 2021. In this letter, you are going to write to your current self, pouring in graciousness about where you are in life and growth. Seal this letter and put it away (somewhere accessible). Set a reminder in your calendar for December 31, 2021 to open the letter with directions to where this letter has been placed.
I’ve provided you with an example of my own:
December 31, 2021
Lovely Rochelle,
This year was a whirlwind but you rolled with the punches and changed direction as necessary to meet your goals. There are some things that you realized were not as important as you thought, and that’s okay. You took risks, big risks with your personal growth and relationships. You made steps in healing generational trauma and have provided your siblings with insight into what it’s truly like to be an adult figuring things out. You are going into the last year of your 20s with such peace and focus that you couldn’t possibly have dreamed of. Continue to be brave as you don’t know what this next year will hold, but you do know you are right where you need to be.
I hope you find this exercise quite refreshing.
Written by Rochelle Marecheau, LMFT
Happy New Year...I think
Well, if you’re feeling like me…yeah, yeah, yeah. Shhh, let’s not get too excited with all the well wishes. We did that last year and look what happened. You’re not alone. 2020 was at best a tough year. We all have experienced life challenges like no other time in our lives. Some have lost loved ones, some have been sick and all have had to change how we live. Masks are not just for doctors and construction workers now. Family time is both a good, connecting and grounding thing and a challenging thing when there just SOOO much of it! (😆) Holidays are now spent alone, or at a minimum not with the extended family members from other states, or even those who live in your metro area. Its tough for those who are away from home. It’s been a rough one! I know.
For good reason, starting 2021 off with hesitation provides my soul with some protection. I need to ease into it because the residual effects of the March 2020 surprise. The coronavirus took the wind out of my excitement sails of my 20/20 vision. I’m not yet ready for the disappointment of not being able to engage in my once very active social life. Those who know me know I LOVE to entertain and engage in social events. That has all but stopped. We are still in the muck of 2020. So it makes sense to not want to really celebrate the new year.
But…I am also an eternal optimist. It is, in fact, a new year! If you’re reading this, you’re still here. You’re alive and hopefully well. Though 2020 may have felt like a shit-fest in many ways there are so many ways that it has been both rewarding and beneficial. For one, as a country, we began to unite around issues of racial inequity that have plagued the country since its origin. Now more than ever, it is difficult to ignore how Black and Brown people in the United States are treated differently in all aspects of life. This awareness has come and continues to be at the cost of many lives and much hurt. It most certainly is not a resolved issue, but I believe that without the quarantine, we would not have slowed down enough to notice the shear craziness of this year’s deaths. That’s a significant benefit of the quarantine!
Next, this year also afforded an opportunity to shine the light on mental health in minority communities. At Cura, we have noticed an increase in interest and participation in therapy from minority clients. I would imagine that has a whole lot to do with all the additional time spent with people, you have more opps to see your own actions and their effects on your relationships. I am excited to see my community embracing our training and skills with new fervor. It has truly been a joy to see people taking charge of their lives and creating change in places where they have been stuck for so long. Yet another long-lasting positive impact of 2020.
In my opening paragraph, I joked about spending sooo much time with family. And to be honest, it has been a lot! But there is no other time, have I been able to see my children and really spend so much quality time with them engaging in the mundane as well as activities of their interests. I have enjoyed learning more about anime characters and Grey’s Anatomy and swimming techniques and how genZ thinks (based purely on the experts in my house). My girls are funny, witty, anxious about how sweet 16 in February (😳) will look, dealing with social concerns, learning to drive, bored with no friends around and really good at spades, air hockey, ping pong and learning to play pool. It’s been a joy to be here with them as they are so quickly turning into young women! I am grateful for the time.
Lastly, this year has really shown me that the people in life really care about ME. Many years ago, I felt this way when family and friends really showed up for me after a major loss. This year is different. There has been no loss (I am so blessed and grateful). My friends check on me, just because. It feels good to know that people care. My extended family has used all the creative ways to see each other though we are spread across the country. We’ve done virtual house parties, virtual murder mysteries, zoom calls, virtual game nights and not to mention teaching my children how to play spades and pool (necessary college knowledge). My baby brother even got married to our favorite lady created just for him. We have created some wonderful memories!
After reviewing all of 2020 versus just looking at the tough parts, I can say that it was a good year though very different and with challenges. Let’s give a cheer for the new year and what’s to come. Let’s make plans to be together whether in person or virtually. Engage with the people you love, be kind to all, even the ones you don’t know and really take care of yourselves. See a therapist and learn something new about you. Happy New Year!💛
New Year, EVOLVED Me: 6 Tips on How to Create Long-Lasting New Year’s Resolutions
It is finally 2021, which means that we’ve said good riddance to 2020 and that we’re ready to start working on our goals for the New Year. With the New Year bringing a fresh start for many, hundreds of millions of people around the world are putting their final touches on their list of New Year’s Resolutions, or are working on vision boards visually capturing the things they want to accomplish in 2021. Many have also decided that the New Year is a time to wipe their slate clean and start over with working on undoing bad habits or old patterns, basically the “New Year, New Me” state of mind that most have. However, the “new me” can quickly revert to your old self only months into the New Year, abandoning or forgetting about the list of goals that were initially made. Now of course creating these resolutions is a lot easier than actually sticking to them and achieving them, but how can you work towards having goals that you follow through with that bring long-lasting change? Here are 6 Tips to help you create long-lasting resolutions in the New Year.
Condense Your List
Oftentimes people come up with a list of ten or so goals that they want to accomplish out of the excitement of starting fresh and thinking that the next 365 days will give you plenty of time to see your goals through. We all know that the year can go by SUPER fast, and it’s easy to forget about our goals simply because we have too many that we’re trying to work towards achieving. Try shortening your list in half so that you’ll have more time to focus carefully on each to better your likelihood of accomplishing your goals.
Create Categories for Your Goals
Most of our goals represent changes that we want to see in ourselves emotionally or mentally, physically, professionally, and personally. Instead of putting them in number order on one list, separate them into their corresponding category so that over time you can see how achieving each goal will impact you. For example, any diet or exercising change that you want to see would go under physical, or goals of wanting to save a certain amount of money would go under financial.
Break Each Goal Down into Smaller Tasks
We usually put a lot of thought into each goal that we want to accomplish for the year, yet we don’t always take the time to plan out how we plan on working towards achieving each goal. Sometimes our goals might seem overwhelming after time because later on in the year we’re wondering ‘Where do I Start?’ We may not know until shortly after creating the goal how we’re going to accomplish it. To make it easier, create small tasks that you can adjust as you get closer to achieving the goal that can help you actively plan this desired change.
Perform Quarterly Check-In’s
To avoid anxiety waiting until the 6-month mark to look and see how much you have or have not accomplished on your list, do check-ins with yourself every quarter to evaluate any progress that you might have made. Performing quarterly check-ins with your resolutions can also be a great opportunity for you to cross any goals off the list or create new tasks for planning.
Have a Good Support System
When attempting to accomplish goals or create positive change in our lives, I’m a firm believer that we are responsible for doing most of the work to see the results that we desire. However, that doesn’t mean that we can’t have great support to help us achieve our goals along the way. Whether it’s a therapist, your family, your partner, or your friends, having people that love and care for you and want to see you win can help motivate you anytime you need an extra push or can hold you accountable while you work on achieving your goals. Let your loved ones know the resolutions you have on your list so that they can also perform check-ins with you, or allow them to help you in any way that they can.
Give Yourself Grace and Have Patience
We are so quick to become defeated or low when we aren’t able to reach our goals or when we fall short of attempting to see them through. While any disappointment or sadness is completely valid, give yourself room to breathe and the grace in knowing that your goals won’t be accomplished overnight and that doing your best is all that matters. You aren’t on anyone else’s timeline except for yours and if it takes you longer than a year to accomplish a goal or if you’re having difficulty getting there, it’s OK. Be patient. The fact that you were willing to create goals to better yourself in the first place says a lot about yourself and your self-worth.
I wish you a happy and prosperous New Year, and I hope that this list of tips can be used as a guide to help you achieve your goals a little easier for 2021.
Who's in Your Bubble?
Who’s in your bubble has taken on a quite an interesting meaning as we are approaching a year of COVID-19 quarantine living. I remember seeing a lot of memes and posts on social media last March saying things like “if your friends aren’t checking on you during the pandemic they aren’t your friends.” Now that we are a year into this pandemic life, I’d like to talk a little about who's been supporting you and who you’ve been supporting for the last year.
COVID-19 has placed a medical layer to the standards of your bubble, but being aware of who you rely on for support is quite imperative. Say you are abiding by CDC guidelines: maintaining your distance from others, wearing your mask properly, etc., and your friend is doing the complete opposite, would you want them in your bubble? I’m going to guess the answer is no. The same should go for your mental health. Those who are in your bubble should hold the values you do and actively support you reaching the mental wellness milestones you’ve set for yourself; however, this does not mean that they are responsible for your emotional well being.
One of the things I ask during an intake session is “who do you go to for support and what does that support look like?” This is to prep my clients for things that may change as they grow. Growth requires more than just the individual searching for it…the right environment must be cultivated for it to blossom. It is more than just having people to talk to but also having people you trust to be vulnerable with and can ask for necessary emotional help. Having those friends you can go out for a drink with is great, but having those friends you can share journal entries and talk about your fears with is even better.
Personal story: I was feeling quite unsure of myself after going through a break-up. I shared with my friends that I was feeling like I was not enough. This was big for me because in this moment I was completely transparent and open with my friends, something I had been working on with my own therapist. These friends sprang into action and surprised me with a self-compassion gift bag a week later filled with affirmations, my favorite treats, and self-care items to reground me. Some of those items are pictured above. Photo by Pillowy Thoughts.
Now my friends have definitely set the bar high but what I’d like for you to get out of this story is that I trusted these friends with a vulnerable moment and they in turn validated that they were a safe space. The people in your bubble should be able to spring into action once you voice things you’re struggling with, whether it be as a sounding board or a gentle reminder. Your encounters with them should not leave you feeling worse.
Think about those that you’ve allowed to stay in your bubble. Are they helping you up if you have a dip in your emotional wellness? Have others come to you and have you validated that you were a safe space? Are you open to sharing those tender spots of you? These are questions that may not come up often but that are definitely worth serious consideration.
Share in the comments what you’ve learned about your bubble!
Prosper In The Pandemic…How?
Happy New Year folks! I hope 2022 has been off to a great start for you. To be honest, I had a little trouble figuring out what to say for the first blog of the year. I didn’t want to hit y’all with the cliche “new year, new me” proclamation or prompt you to list your ‘infamous’ new year’s resolutions. I want you to read this and immediately take action!
Let’s jump right in! I want to talk to you about how to prosper in the pandemic! When you read “prosper” what’s the first thing that comes to mind? ….Money, wealth, ownership? Even though material and monetary gain is valued by everyone to some degree, I want to draw your attention to something even more valuable, “mental clarity”. I heard someone say, we go to the next level “headfirst”. You can’t fully prosper in any area of your life without first having clarity.
I want to help you develop your prosperity plan. So where is it that you need to get clear?! Grab a pen and paper and carefully answer the questions below:
1.) ( Focus) Identify ONE area in your life in which you want to experience growth. (e.g., Personal life, professional life, relationship, physical health, mental health).
2.) (Visualize) Close your eyes and imagine what it will be like when you’ve achieved growth in this area. (e.g., What will you be saying and doing differently, how will you feel, what will others notice about you?)
3.) ( Clarify your “Why”) How will growing in this area bring you more joy, peace, or happiness?
4.) (How) What is your strategy/plan for what you know it’ll take to get you there? (e.g., write this step-by-step)
5.) (Hurdles) What are your growth blockers? (E.g., People, social media, laziness)
6.) ( Community/Tools) Who or what can you use for accountability? ( e.g., friends, colleagues, calendars, sticky notes)
7.) (Evaluate) Determine how you’re going to monitor your progress (e.g., check points, growth markers)
8.) Execute!!!
Congratulations! You’ve just developed your first prosperity plan! I would love to hear how well this strategy worked for you!
3 Things to Clean this Spring
Let’s be real spring is a yearly occurrence yet we are often unprepared. Spring cleaning is meant to prepare space and the acceptance for the new. As you prepare to set your clocks forward this weekend, here are some tips to make sure you don’t miss that hour…
Cleaning your Body - more and more doctors are stressing the importance of gut health (https://time.com/5556071/gut-health-diet/). What you consume for sustance has an influential impact in how you feel physically, emotionally and mentally. Try adding a daily probiotic to help balance good bacteria. Be mindful of what’s on your plate; limit simple carbs (https://www.healthline.com/health/food-nutrition/simple-carbohydrates-complex-carbohydrates#complex-carbs). Up your water intake to help your body’s filters; good measure to start is (0.66 x body weight = water intake in ounces). Increasing your green intake (vegetables) helps make sure you’re getting necessary minerals and vitamins and try adding a quality multivitamin to fill in the gaps.
Cleaning your Media - there has been so much going on and you may find it easier to get lost in another world. Whether that be celebrity gossip, cat videos, or Euphoria it is extremely important to be intentional about the content you consume. Things that we ingest visually are just as important as things we ingest physically. Try not binging television shows that are considered dark or suspenseful; try limiting how much time you spend in one genre. Limit screen time overall to allow for time spending time engaging in other forms of self-care. Unfollow accounts on social media that cause negative thoughts or don’t add value to your mental health.
Cleaning your Energy - there have been quite a few memes going around during the pandemic about how often we should be checking on our friends. This spring I’d highly recommend taking note of the friends that take more of your energy than they replenish rather than who you’ve spoken to the least. There doesn’t have to be a chopping list but friendships play a part in the overall trend of mental health. If you don’t feel appreciated, you’ll wear yourself out trying to prove that you are worthy. If you don’t have a safe space to process your feelings, you’ll spiral more often into negative thoughts. Try asking friends how your relationship can be more balanced. You could also pay more attention to how much you overextend yourself and begin implementing boundaries with clear parameters.
Have you thought about any of the tips above? Share your thoughts or other tips for spring cleaning!
Written by: Rochelle Marecheau, LMFT
April Showers Bring May Flowers
No, this is not a horticulture lesson, but it is a quick chat about growing and blossoming through our pain. Our tears are like rain…sometimes the worst storms bring about the most beautiful blooms.
I felt compelled to share this blog after frequently hearing clients make statements such as, “I don’t cry,” “I don’t like to cry” or “Crying makes me weak.” Sigh…allow me to take a deep breath. Something as natural as crying has been villainized and deemed as unnecessary. Releasing tears to express our pain is a cleansing process. It allows us to self-soothe and move towards a positive mood. So, when we stifle our tears, we are slowing the process of relieving the anguish we are experiencing.
In the same vein, tears are a great way to express overwhelming joy. For example, that gush of tears that flow when hearing someone profess their love and affection for you cannot be avoided by most individuals. In that moment, you are connecting soul to soul and the best way to experience it is through a good gut-wrenching cry.
When we allow the tears to well up and flow, most times it’s hard to stop them. The experience is like an amazing floodgate. Once we are on the other side of the tears, we can begin the process of healing even if the circumstances that upset us have not changed. A good cry can leave us feeling cleansed and at peace.
So, the next time you feel the urge to shed tears, go for it.
· Hear a sad love song that reminds you of a lost love – SHED A TEAR
· Hear a love song that reminds you that you are in love - SHED A TEAR
· Death of a loved one - SHED A TEAR
· Birth of a child - SHED A TEAR
· Get laid off – SHED A TEAR
· Accept a job offer you’ve always wanted - SHED A TEAR
· Feeling overwhelmed by life - SHED A TEAR
· Just bought your first home - SHED A TEAR
If you are in a season of April showers, be kind to yourself and look forward to a beautiful bloom of May flowers.
Yvon Roland, LPC
Hello Summer…And A Mid-Year Goal Check-In
Alright Y’all, July is here! Which means that it is officially Summertime. A time some would say is heavily dedicated to being outside soaking up some Vitamin D, going to the pool, having a cookout, going on vacation, and most certainly a time to re-valuate and check-in with our goals for the year. Yeah, you heard me right! June marks the halfway point of the year, which means that this is the best time to self-reflect and check-in to see how we’re doing with our goals we have set for 2022. Since it’s been about six months since we welcomed the New Year, if you haven’t already, now is the time to ask yourself some important questions as it relates to how you might be doing with your goals, assess for any changes that need to be made, or to possibly set new goals for yourself. I’ve found that evaluating these goals can also serve as motivation to help you either stay on, or to get back on track with certain goals you might have set. Plus it allows for you to spend some time sitting with yourself and assessing where you might be mentally, emotionally, and physically on any journey that you might be on this year.
One of the intentions I set for myself to help evaluate my goals for this year was to indulge in some self-care and take myself on a solo-date where I can have some time to journal and complete a mid-year 2022 check-in with myself. Here are some questions to help get you started with your Mid-Year Check-In!
Mid-Year Check-In Questions:
1. How am I feeling about myself so far this year?
2. If I could use 3 words to describe how 2022 has gone so far, which words would I pick and why?
3. Which goals have I accomplished so far? (Be sure to give yourself some kudos and praise for accomplishing these great things, no matter how big or small the goal is)
4. Which goals have I not been able to accomplish yet and why might I think that is?
5. Are there any goals that you I find myself struggling with? What might be getting in the way? What can be done differently to tackle these more challenging goals?
6. Are there any new goals that I want to add?
7. What lessons have I learned so far this year?
8. What new things have I learned about yourself?
9. Do I have enough physical and emotional support from others to help accomplish my goals? (If the answer to this is no, make sure that you check-in with your people and lean on your support system for help. That’s what they’re here for! If you don’t have one, seek out support in therapy as a starting point)
10. Have I been putting in as much effort as I can to accomplish my goals? Why or why not?
11. How can I better prioritize my mental health for the remainder of the year?
I wish you the best of luck finishing this year out and I’m proud of you for all of your hard work and dedication by simply trying and giving it your best. Have an amazing and incredibly fun Summer!
Photo By: Ethan Robertson
Written By: Kendall Davis, LAMFT
Follow my Mental Health IG @candortherapycare for more tips and helpful insight
hanging on for love
Recently, I read an Instagram post that said, “loving a person with disorganized attachment requires patience”. I was struck by the truth in this statement, but also by what was missing. Let me explain more about attachment, the different attachment strategies, and a little bit of how the strategies can show up in adult relationships, then I’ll offer my thoughts on the other part.
In childhood, attachment refers to the connection between caregivers and baby. The baby has needs like food, warmth, shelter, safety, and care; ideally, the caregivers provide for the needs. When it goes well, the child experiences a “safe haven” from which to launch exploration and to which to return. Toddlers will run to a caregiver who is safe for a hug, then run off to explore new things, knowing that their “person” will be there when needed for another hug.
When a child does not get the “safe haven” experience with caregivers (or at least with someone), mistrust and uncertainty can develop. This child can have a much harder time with exploration. Possibly by not exploring at all and ignoring or pushing down the desire or need for the exploration which can become scary. Children can also become clingy because the anxiety around people leaving is so overwhelming that it can become intolerable to even think about someone leaving them, because that is what has been the most common experience for them. Another possibility for how an emotionally unsafe childhood environment can show up is the belief that “I don’t need anyone” develops. Other people need people, all I have is me. I will be “fine”. And other children, will have some version of many strategies which can be confusing to both them and others. The fear of being close and the fear of being separate can be overwhelming. This last strategy is called Disorganized or Fearful Avoidant. It is the strategy that creates many challenges when a loved one is trying to navigate, and it requires so much patience as well as a strong sense of your own security.
Attachment was originally believed to only refer to the bond between mother and child. That bond was later learned to be with the other parent and family members. We now know that these initial relationships shape how we connect with others throughout the lifespan. So when the child who didn’t have the “safe haven” experience grows up; the adult likely will difficulty finding and trusting that in romantic relationships as well as friendships. Mistrust of people can be the only consistent emotion felt with other people. Avoiding connection can become a defense mechanism because if we don’t get close, you can’t hurt me. People generally are experienced as unsafe. The people who were tasked to love and care for them through typical biological channels (between mother/father and child) didn’t seem to do it; why would there be the expectation that some person they just met will meet their needs? Makes so much sense, right?!?
An important incongruity to the belief that a person doesn’t need the “safe haven” like when a person forces it down to numb it or the person is ‘good’ all by him/herself is that as humans, we were created to be in connection with others. We are literally born looking to others to take care of us. Then how the care looks and feels determines what we expect later from other folks. It’s all tied together. Much of the turmoil when people who have little experience with a “safe haven” try to have relationships comes from a lack of positive experience with loving others. The positivity feels good and that can be uncomfortable which can elicit the instinct to sabotage or end the relationship, sometimes without warning. This is where the patience must be very present for the relationship partner.
The part that feels missing in the earlier mentioned IG post is the relationship partner must also be secure. This is super important! Without their own “safe haven,” the partner may engage in their own fears about others which can lead to high conflict relationships or avoidance which can lead to the end of the relationship. These days the trendy term for chaotic relationships has been ‘trauma bonding.’ Two people with significant unresolved trauma trying to create safety when no one really knows what that is. Of course, I don’t suggest that relationships between two people with trauma can not work. They do when there is effort to work towards connection versus prove that you won’t hurt me. The proof, in many cases, can never be felt enough resulting in feeling even less connected, less comforted, and less loved. It then become a self-fulfilling prophesy: see, I told you, you wouldn’t be there for me. The partner gets labeled as not giving the person emotional safety, when what happened is the openness and vulnerability necessary to get what was wanted, was never offered.
I suppose the point of this article is to both validate the person who clearly is navigating turbulent waters and the person who loves them. It’s all hard. Everyone is just trying to hang on.
when the news becomes too much
As we close out Mental Health Awareness Month, I found it fitting to address the importance of taking care of our mental health while living through traumatic news events. With the recent mass shootings in Buffalo and Texas, it is very likely that you may have been triggered and struggling to care for yourself while consuming so much gut-wrenching information from the media. These events are not only anxiety provoking but can also lead us down a road of oversaturation and worry as we think of those involved as well as our own fears not only for ourselves, but also our loved ones. Here are a few self-care tips for when the news just becomes too much for us mentally:
Find Support
Whether it is a friend, family, or therapist, it is very essential to find a safe space where you can express yourself and process feelings that may come up when traumatic events hit the news. Having a supportive community is extremely beneficial to our mental health and overall relationships.
Manage your Social Media Consumption
When bad news emerges, it’s so tempting to want to stay connected and up to date on what’s occurring but it’s important that you give yourself a break. This can be done by limiting your time on social media to avoid overconsumption and flooding yourself with information that may take a toll on your overall mental health.
Practice Self-Care
Make sure that you are balancing your consumption of the news with self-care activities to reduce the risk of news overload. Taking a walk, journaling, watching your favorite tv show, or trying something new, are a few examples of self-care activities that can be helpful when you need to detach and take time for yourself.
Let us keep all of those affected by these horrific events in our thoughts and prayers and remember to take care of ourselves during this time.
For additional support, please contact your CURA therapist.
black history is black love
On today, the last day of the month in which we celebrate Black History and Love, I am reminded of the significance of both in my therapy practice. Many of my clients seek therapy with me specifically because of a sensed unique, unspoken understanding of what is the Black-in-America life experience and how that influences our development, socialization and interpersonal relationships.
The residue of generational trauma, deeply rooted in the enslavement and perpetual, systematic disenfranchisement of our ancestors, is intrinsically woven into our own present-day experiences of disconnection from ourselves, from a sense of belonging and from each other. During the period of enslavement, Black people were subjected to torture of mind, body and spirit and the physical separation and destruction of the Black family unit. Nearly two centuries since the Emancipation Proclamation, Black people in America continue to be subject to the degradation of mind, body and spirit in the form of social profiling, police brutality, economic marginalization, mass incarceration, the perpetuation of the insidious myth of the hypersexualized and/or “Strong Black Woman” pitted against the “shiftless, criminal-minded” Black man.
Yet people continue to show up in my space pleading for help reconnecting to Love. The Love they seek is Love for themselves, Love for their partners, Love for family, Love for this life.
The truth is, Black History does not begin nor end with the kidnapping and enslavement of African people. Our Black History and Black Future, begin with Love. We get there by recalling from our ancestors the Love that built Black families, hundreds of years ago. It is the Love of our ancestors that built civilizations; that Love is the backbone of America, the backdrop of us reclaiming our freedom and what has sustained our people into the 21st century. Love is the anchor. Treating ourselves with gentleness and compassion is an act of Love. Understanding that we as individuals are in a constant state of healing, evolving and growing and using that understanding to offer grace to one another is an act of Love. Providing a safe space for our partners in their journey of healing is an act of Love. Believing the best in each other, FIRST, is an act of Love. Choosing to embrace our uniqueness and that of others, is an act of Love. Love should be the default in all our interactions with ourselves and the people closest to us. Love IS our history and it IS our future. Above all else, LOVE.
by Dawn Swiney, MPA, LMFT